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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Pagi yang bengang..

Yeah.. I'm mad and I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE KNOWS!!!

I guess it started yesterday, though yesterday I wasn't the least annoyed. I had finished Dr M's work and was just starting on another job he gave me when the phone rang. Abdullahi picked up the phone and it turned out that Dr M was searching for me (again?). Oh well..

Went up to his room, feeling a bit on guard, knowing how garang he is when he is dissatisfied with your work. My mind was working overtime, thinking of what I had done wrong, knowing how I meticulously looked over each and every detail of the work he gave me.

However, when he explained everything to me I realized that it wasn't ME who made the mistake, but this other group who made the mistake earlier on the traffic survey. Still, since the members of the group weren't there, and since Dr M had to yell at someone, I WAS THE VICTIM here. I didn't quite mind though, since I knew it wasn't my mistake and he can't really pinpoint the fault on me but somehow, I pitied the group members who made the mistake. I even covered up for them, trying to find ways to show the mistake was just a misunderstanding. Ni bukan tunjuk baik, but if you know Dr M, you'd do the same too.. I had to endure a one-and-a-half-hour of his anger JUST BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSES MISTAKE!

However, back in postgraduate room, I was back to my usual self. I even joked with Abdullahi about the kene marah episode, knowing it was something ALL OF US could relate to. No, I didn't go and make a fuss out of it and pegi mengamuk kat semua orang ke ape ke.. just shrugged it off, with Choong and Abdullahi laughing at me when I complained of having my kene marah quota filled up for today. Abdulllahi even joked that he liked it when I was working with Dr M, as it would put him to a few days of rest from this advisor of his since Dr M kept calling me haha..

That night however, when I came into the postgraduate room, I found a note from my colleague who's from the group who made the mistake. I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable with the note as I felt as if he was accusing me about something (tale telling, maybe?) but since I knew how sensitive I was, I just ignored the feeling.

Fast forward to this morning, I came in early as I was cycling. A few minutes afterwards, this colleague came in too. The first thing he asked me was of yesterday's incident so I just told him what happened, while joking about it. However, I started feeling a bit funny when I noticed a cynical smile on his face and when he started saying that I was making a big fuss of the mistake while subtly hinting that I WAS THE ONE who was the tale-teller, I started to feel annoyed. May I remind you that Dr M was the one who found the mistake and I HAD TO TAKE THE BLAME for the first half-hour he was angry (until he realized it wasn't my fault at all la). And just for the record, I don't care a damn bit pun for your mistakes, I only analyze what is given to me so WHY SHOULD HE ACCUSE ME OF MAKING A FUSS AND BEING THE TALE TELLER? My job would be much² easier if I had ignored the mistake lah..

Still, I reasoned with myself, reminding me that they are having a bad time with Dr M now so I pretended to not be offended. However, in the cafe, this colleague started saying things about Dr M that I don't think he should have. C'mon la, the mistake was obviously made so Dr M HAD a reason to be mad anyway. Still, I just listened. Then he asked me again, about what Dr M was so mad about. Though warning bells were ringing in my head, I proceeded to tell him about it, AND told him not to worry much as yesterday we had found out where the mistake had come from so Dr M really wasn't as mad as he was yesterday. He only wanted to reprimand them (Ayat Dr: "Ni bukan budak² yang buat keje, ni student master so level mesti la level intellectual.. takde ruang for silly mistakes")

Then, he raised his voice to me RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAFE! And since his hand was on this senduk koay teow, he WAVED THE SENDUK RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE! A few people were turning to us, macam kan orang bergaduh plak..

Bengang nye rase.. I retorted back, quietly reminding him that he was the one who asked me to tell him about it, so buat apa nak marah saya? Bangang!!! <--kan dah kene bangang

As if it was my fault! If anyone had the right to be mad, IT WAS ME! Is it fair that I had to be scolded yesterday BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSES FAULT? And though I was at the receiving end of it, did I go and mengamuk tak tentu pasal kat bilik postgrad? Bebal² pun tak, in fact, my colleague here can ask Choong and Abdullahi about my reaction of being scolded for something that was not my fault!

Then, orang yang buat salah pulak nak marah² saya.. daripada tak bengang semalam, terus jadi bengang! Mangkuk!!! I was so mad.. and a bit sad for not only being accused of making a fuss, but for being the receving end of 'fury' from both parties! Dr M, I don't mind that much, coz I know how he is when it involves work, but this colleague, God! I wanted to strangle him there and then. And this is not the first time, last week he had also annoyed me for something different, but related to what happened yesterday!

And I HATE being mad coz I have an expressionless face that comes to life ONLY when I'm mad so everyone will know I'm angry! I couldn't even look at my colleagues face afterwards and when he once again asked me the same stupid question of,"Apa Dr M cakap semalam?", I wanted to scream.. thats what I wanted to do la, but in reality, I just looked straight at the monitor, telling him to ask Dr M himself. No more being the middle person anymore.

C'mon la, everytime you make a mistake or if you forget something, and you're afraid to ask Dr M, you PUSH ME IN Dr M's direction..

The hell with it la.. let me talk about last week..

When we wanted to go observe data in Ipoh, this friend asked me to call up the people who could help us, which I did gladly since I really wanted to do some field work. Mind you, I did most of the calling and asking. Then suddenly outta the blue, he came to me saying, "Ingat ye, saya sorang je yang cari semua orang ni!"

I was a bit confused for what he was saying since
1. I DID help him ask around
2. Kenapenye nak kene cakap macam tu?

Until I found out that we were being paid for finding people.

Ok, fine, tak kisah.. Berapa sen sangat pun but he reminded me if Dr M asked, ONLY his name would be put up as the 'agent'. Ok, I'm starting to be annoyed but what the heck, I don't really want to responsible for 15 people, do I?

Then a few days later, when we were doing our claims, he asked me to ask about the money! Ape punye mangkuk ayun, dah la I'm not the one in charge (dia jugak yang kate cam tu kan.. that he was the only one in charge.. in fact, he had the cheeks to repeat to me, macam mantra pulak, "Saya je buat keje sorang², awak sikit pun tak tolong") C'mon la, its an unwritten rule that money is a sensitive issue and if you're not in charge, don't ever ask about the money. Imagine me, yang jadi kuli batak pulak yang mintak duit.. c'mon la, you said you were in charge, pegi la tanya sendiri.. kang orang kata saya tak malu pulak, sibuk² pasal duit!

Then, when I told him that I didn't think it was my place to ask about the money, he tengking me saying,"Tu pun tak reti nak buat!!" Cess, kecik ati, teman! I'm not stupid, ok.. I just don't think its my place to ask about it.. Cuba suruh orang lain, diorang pun mesti tak nak punya lah!

So there, last week I had almost forgiven him for scolding me in front of two postgraduate students and a junior.. but what happened today, made my resentment last week come back at full force.

Aaaaarrrrghhhhh, I hate him!!! Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I'm stupid, ok..

Anyway, I think I've cooled down a bit now.. Hey, its not so bad at having a blog, huh?

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