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Thursday, April 06, 2006

...

I have a box in my room. Its just a simple green box with daisies all around the top and I've put it on top of my book shelf along with other boxes I've collected.

If you open the box, you'd find a lot of odd and ends. There are letters, birthday cards and raya cards. You'd find book marks and stickers. You'd also come across a 2002 Sanggar Sanjung desk calender for the year 2003. There's a small frame with a cartoon and the words 'Friends Forever' on it as well as a framed graduation picture of two friends dated nearly 4 years ago.

There's also a bottle of unknown perfume(?) and an empty bottle of cough syrup given to me once upon a time ago when I was unwell. A couple of CDs with my favourite songs have also found their way into this box and a pen or two can also be found somewhere in here.Another momento is ceramic block, written with the words,'Thank you for being my best friend!'

Truth is, I can't really categorize all the items in this box as it has a little bit of everything, but, I know some people who'd call it 'The Memory Box'.. and truth is, all these items DO symbolize some memories from one single 'source'.

However, I call it my Pandora's Box!

But.. instead of containing all the sadness and sufferings in this world, it contains only my own sadness, though once it was my source of happiness. Instead of being something I know I shouldn't touch, its something I'm always wanting to go through, as a constant reminder of how I once and still feel..

Why I still keep it, I don't know. I don't really understand why I still hold on to it, and why sometimes, I just torture myself by going through all the contents in this box while reminiscing the memory that comes along with each and every item.

Last night, it took all my will power to stop myself from taking this box down from its place and going thorugh it again. Resisting the temptation of yet another tearful walk down the memory lane was one thing, but the realization that time does not really heal that much was another thing.

Whoever had come up with that phrase was obviously in a state of denial. Time does NOT heal, instead, it just numbs the feelings inside. You know its there, and though you've grown used to the hurt, once in a while, you'd feel it piercing through you like it just happened.

For a few recent nights, while driving back from my classes, I find my mind wandering back to a few years ago, when everything seemed so right. Once in a while during those nights, I panic when I can't remember a certain face that once filled my dreams but then, is it possible to forget a face? I mean, you're not supposed to forget how someone so close to your heart looks like, right?

Then after the panic has passed, I'd be filled with this feeling of sadness while trying to make sure WHEN did things take a turn for the worse and then I'd try my best to make sense of everything..

But last night, I did succumb to the temptation to rub salt on the wound though not through my Pandora's Box. Right after doa for my Isya prayers, my hand instinctly went to my graduation album and turned to a page that has the same photo as in my Pandora's Box.. and thats where I sat for a long time, reminding myself never to trust my heart again!

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