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Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Stupid, huh? I mean, ME la..

Whats with the title? Simple answer: ME!!!

I've been struggling for weeks with my fourth chapter for my thesis; the most critical one of the lot that has all my data and analysis as well as my discussions on them. No wonder every post-M.SC and post-PhD I know have warned me about this phase in the writing up.

My promise to Dr Wan to send it to him within 2-3 days have turned into 2-3 weeks and dangerously getting to the 2-3 months mark. But well, truth is, he's been bugging me about this chapter for so long that I've grown sick of it and have taken the cowards way of switching off my phone during office hours, just to avoid talking to him! I've even avoided going to the school on some days, especially since I realized I've grown tired of getting into this building EVERYDAY!

However, yesterday was nearing a breaking point. I still needed some refinements for my section on my third objective that would take around 2-3 days (Alamak! Why do I always use '2-3 days' with everyone??!!?) so I was banging away on the key-board and my trusted calculator with numbers and figures I've grown all-too-familiar with. Then kak Sue called me, laughingly and making a joke outta it that Dr Wan has been asking about me and all the sudden I felt this queer feeling at the pit of my stomach that, if I'm not careful, might end up into a looooooooooong and piercing scream! I wanted to tell everyone to leave me alone, shut their ******* mouths and stop pestering me! C'mon la, you don't think I'm purposely procrastinating, do you! Look, I wanna graduate okay, and I'm sick of this **** I'm going through so, bug off!

Know what I did? I promptly sent him my 3/4 finished chapter four! <-- stupid and hasty decision here!

As soon as I hit the send button, I was filled with this 'peaceful' feeling of knowing how annoyed he'd be at my indifferance! Nak sangat, amik la! Tak percaya sangat benda tu tak siap lagi kan.. It was a good thing that most parts of it was completed, the only thing missing were two tables and a few lines of discussion, that were without doubt, very important. But at the moment, I didn't care!

After sending the report to him, I switched off the pc and started to head home, with my mind replaying what I just did and mumbling, "Nak sangat!!" to myself repeatedly. However, just as I put the key in the ignition, shame and guilt came over me, along with hot tears that seemed to come out of no where. Bewildered and ashamed, I had to stop awhile to ponder upon this sudden outburst. However, the tears just didn't subside..

Still, I managed to wave at the guards as I passed through the gates of the campus but all the while my mind was filled with this self-pity feeling that has not made a visit in my head for a very long time!

I started to ponder on the fact that I've wasted nearly 4 years here with more than two years pursuing this d****** masters degree. All kinds of 'what-if's came through my mind. What if I had accepted the job(s) I was offered after I graduated? What if I had defied Abah and didn't even step my foot in this campus again? What if I didn't even study in USM after form five? What if I had went to UIA instead (and didn't send the appeal letter for USM) or MMU (course apentah, dah lupe!!)? What if I had applied for child psychology or TESL as my heart really wanted to do? What if I delibrately failed my SPM as I had once toyed with the idea after realizing that I won't have my own dreams anyway, since I HAD to 'dengar cakap orang tua'? What if.. what if..

I would have wallowed in this self-pity for much longer if another thought hadn't crept into my mind..

Everything happens for a reason!

I mean, all my 'what if's had an 'even if'.. Even if I did all those things, God has a way of undoing it all. He has a plan for me and THIS is His plan. My four years here is included in His plan and no matter what I did, I'd still be here for four years.. everything that has happened is included!

So I asked Him, WHAT is His plan for me? Why can't I understand it all? Why is it that I get frustrated each day? Why am I still here? What are all the reasons for everything that has happened?

Funny, I was suddenly calm..

I guess, deep inside me, I've always known that He has been with me all along. Even on the times when I feel so alone and on the times when I forget Him.. but, He never forgets me! How else could I have somehow, made it through? Even when I feel so hateful of myself and feel as if I can't go on, He's been there all along!

Reminds me of a story I once read about a man who dreamt about looking at the path of his life. He was looking at the beach and noticed some foot prints in the sand and that there was always two sets of footprints so he asked God, what was it. God told him it was the path of his life and the two sets of foot prints indicate the steps he took and Gods steps alongside him. However, at the lowest points of his life, he noticed only one set of footprints and this angered him as he thought God had abandoned him in his times of trial. However, God answered to him lovingly, "I have always been alongside you in every step in your life, but at the times when you were feeling at the lowest, it was then that I carried you!"

Haha, ok.. I'm not much of a storyteller, but I hope you get the point! Just as I understood.. again! I always forget this story, but I'm glad whenever I remember it again, as it feels like a lesson learnt again and again..

There and then, I prayed for His guidance. For Him to help me understand a bit more about what are His plans for me so I won't feel so low like I did. For the patience and humility that would help me go through everything.. and for Him to remind me now and then that He is with me! I really need this and to my friends out here, please pray for me too..

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