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Monday, November 07, 2005

Lets talk about raya..

It's the 5th day of Syawal now.. which means its been 5 days since we celebrated Eid UlFitri..

Hmmm.. kinda hard to categorize my raya this year. Lets see..

This is the first year where Eid is celebrated without both my maternal grandparents. Pah passed away when I was in form 5 but Tok (Hassan) left us right after Aidilfitri last year. Usually, he would be the one most excited about Eid but this year it seems like something is missing.

However, I was suprised to learn that not one of Mama's siblings were coming home for this first raya. Okay, I know, no one could force them but c'mon la, give some logical excuses boleh tak? I mean, all of us are not stupid to just take all those lame reasons you call excuses. It feels as if, with Tok now gone, this family too seems like disappearing in to thin air :'(

Not to mention that now I'm busy with my writing up and all that! Man, I hate my thesis! I've hated doing my masters anyway.. The whole Ramadhan has been filled up with staring at the dissertation and I'm quite sick of it though I really want to submit ASAP. Somethime, I feel as if I don't know anything and I hate feeling stupid. Writing up is a true eye opener here *sigh* So truth is, I wasn't really looking forward to raya in the first place :(

Then there's the question of Abah's relatives. Eversince Abah and Mama seperated, its as if we ourselves have detached ourselves from them. I mean, it was Abah who discreetly got remarried so why are we as if trying to distant ourselves from our relatives, its not THEIR fault. Besides, its a sin to break-off silaturrahim but I'm torn between what I know is right, and what some other people think. Just a frown on the face when I suggest a visit would make me shrink back. I had a hard time convincing Adi to follow me to see our relatives and only succeeded the night before raya. With Izati it was easier.

Come 1st day of raya, all of us (me, Mama, Adi, Izati, Iskandar, Abg Sher and kak Na) woke up to get ready for Eid prayers. Tu nasib baik abg Sher ngan kak Na balik.. After prayers, we went to the graveyard to pay our respects to Tok Hassan and Pah. Somehow, it felt so strange to be visiting two graves instead of one, and knowing that we won't be greeted by Tok when we arrive home. Its been years since he's been able to go for prayers at the masjid but he was sure to wait for us to return with a smile.

Back home, I tried to bring up the issue of going to visit Abah's relatives but what I got is this frown. Nope, no words were being said but I DO understand the look so I just kept quiet. I was a bit hurt though, as I had been talking about visiting kampung eversince the start of Ramadhan and it was soooooo hard to persuade my siblings but all that turned out worthless and I feel like I'm such a coward for backing out! We went to Tok Chu and Pah Chu Jamaliah's house though and met up with Mak Cik Hawa, Pak Cik Amir + Mak Cik Maria + Son, Pak Cik Zai + wife + sons (Farhan and apentah nama sorang lagi tu), Pak Cik Harris and Pak Cik Hassan. Then we went to Mak Yong Min's house before heading of to.. hmmm, pegi mana lagi ah?

Later that day, Abah came with Ummi and Annisa. Thank God nothing 'bad' happened but everyone was in such a false happy mood, I felt like suffocating. Luckily, Annisa drew the tension away :-) No wonder everyone loves babies, huh! Adi had his first glimpse of his new sister here and I'm glad. She's still our sister no matter what, right! But yeah, Abah had to be Abah and spoil everything for me.

Just when I thought I could convince them to give him a chance by reminding them how much he's trying, HE had to call me and scold me for no apparent reason. I wonder why he likes to do that.. find such a small fault and shout at me as if I've done something wrong (and for the record, the mistake was HIS since HE forgot to give me something.. tp, kenapa saya pulak yang kene marah? :'( ) Then suddenly talking about what a teruk punya kakak I am. My already battered emotions were just further hurt and I had to bottle them all up inside without daring tell my family just in case they said to me, "I told you so!"

Sometimes I just wanna give up!

The 2nd raya wasn't really much better. First I got THOSE messages I've been ranting about. I can't believe I got this whole message which equals to the size of SIX standard sms! That itself had thrown my 'its a new day' mood down the drain. However, for raya's sake, I had to put on a cheery face. It didn't help that that morning, while Adi and Izati were 'mengutuk' their abang, Mama suddenly said, "Kak Yong la yang ajar ni!" Ya Allah, kenapa tiba² ni? I didn't even say a thing and I hated it when, in defence of myself, I raised my voice saying that Adi and Izati had the right of saying anything they saw themselves! I realized how much my voice quiverred when I said I never taught them anything. I had to stop myself from admitting that I HAD read the smses between her and Iwan that broke my trust in them. I mean, for everything, am I to blame? God, it was so hard to pretend I didn't care..

However, by that afternoon, I was already laughing (while trying to pretend those two incidents didn't just happen that morning!). Ikram and Iwan were coming back and I was looking forward to see them. Okay, maybe since the morning incident, I wasn't really keen to see Iwan but I really missed Ikram. Adi was buying us lunch at the newly opened Chicken King (hahah, klau tak, ade KFC je) when they arrived but we still had one more stop (Lubuk Merbau.. umah Tok Chu and Wan Chu Rozi pulak) before going home.

As expected, the cheery atmosphere only lasted for a while with Iwan barking to everyone now and then. I nearly lost my temper when he scolded me in front of everyone when Chik Im asked me about my work. Typical! But then again, all of us pun kene bark depan semua orang so we did what we were best at: IGNORING IT! And note to all here, I DID NOT teach the others to do this! In fact, it was Adi who taught me the art of ignoring the suara² sumbang!

The next day, me and Izati planned to go to Penang to go raya with our friends and to go to Annisa's akikah. No one else seemed to want to go when I first asked them to go with me to our sister's akikah so imagine my suprise when Adi, Ikram and Iskandar wanted to tag along. I was really happy. Well, maybe all of us really wanted to go meet our friends but at least they were also willing to go see Abah, Ummi and Annisa. Once again, I'd like to stress here, I didn't teach them anything but throughout the way, the topic was the-person-who-refused-to-follow. I wanted them to stop, since I was still hurt about the remark of 'Kak Yong yang ajar', but when all of them wanted to talk about it, I just listened je lah.

I dropped Izati at Sg Ara, Ikram at Taman Tunas Muda and Adi at KBJ before heading to Toroque's house with Iskandar in tow. Boy, was I glad to see my friends! There was Yokies + kak Maria + Amad, Toroque + Azu, Md Nizam and Fauzi 'Tok Mufti'. To be frank, this was the only time I really smiled and laughed AND relaxed during the whole holiday but the 3 hours together just flew by :(

I went back to Penang to pick up the others and we headed to Tasek Gelugor for the akikah. Somehow, I was a bit relieved to see Abah's relatives there. Macam ganti balik the promised visit I made for first day of raya. I met Pah (Kiah), Mak Nyah, Mak Yang+Ayah Alang+family, Ayah Uda+Mak Uda+family, Mak Su+PakSu+family+baby baru -->Darwis, Pak Chu+Wan Chu+family, Along and Suhir.. err, ade yang tertinggal tak? Oh, and yes of course la, Abah, Ummi and Annisa!

After that, we went to Yokies+Kak Maria's house. I wanted my siblings to know my bestfriends and their families. Heheh, boleh buat tak malu, tambah air sampai 3 kali tukar teapot! Then we went to Carrefour before heading to Taiping to Mak Yang's house.

Once again I met Abah's relatives and we were just settling down chatting when Pah suddenly called out my name and Yeop's. Okay, let me make it clear here that Yeop is the eldest grandchild while I'm the eldest grand daughter. Ayat Pah," Ayu.. Yeop.. Pah teringiiiiiiiin nak timang cicit. Cucu dah banyak, cicit je belum lagi. Kome ni, bile nye nak bagi Pah cicit ni. Tak kisah la sapa bagi dulu.. Ayu pun boleh, Yeop pun boleh! Nanti sape kahwin dulu, Pah bagi hadiah besooo nak?"

Hahah, Yeop dah buat² tido while I was squirming and looking around for someone to save me. Aiseh.. kene jugak ke time raya² ni hehe..

Well, we went home around 1 in the morning and I slept as soon as my head touched my pillow.

So people, thats how my raya went. A roller-coaster ride which is very uncomfortable and in a way, hurting! Sometimes I wish things were different but He has a reason to make it this way, saya je yang tak nampak lagi so please, pray that one day I'd understand all this confusion! And yes, pray that I'd always accept the thing I can't change and that I'd always remember that, "Every cloud has a silver lining!"

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