..and today I miss you a bit more than before.

I Need To Think!

The past few months have been quite surreal to me.. and am still not sure if its in a good way or bad way.

For the first time in years, I'm really² happy.

But at the same time, I'm scared. Actually, most of the time I'm scared. What if I'm the only one feeling this happy?

Dang! I need some ice cream..

I Hate This!

Yesterday while driving, I suddenly had this urge to try remember the time before you were always on my mind.. and I can't seem to remember much.

I do remember a 'before' when I could still tell myself I'm being silly and this was only because I'm lonely or something. When I could still tell myself, nothing is worth destroying a friendship yang susah sangat nak dapat at this age. A time when thoughts did not hurt that much and I could just shrug it off if I wanted to.

Now it's all there is. If I have other thoughts, even in between them, I keep going back there. It's as if I can't think of anything else and I REALLY WANT TO FORGET these stupid, stupid thoughts and feelings.

I'm supposed to independent, strong.. But after last year, I sometimes wish He didn't make me this way. He only tests us on things He knows we can go through.. I wish He didn't think I was this strong :(

Do You Remember What You Did Exactly A Year Ago?

I do..

I remember wanting to stay in bed, exhausted after days of trying to unpack and choose what to leave in the boxes. The house is much smaller than the last one so it was kinda a chore to prioritize.. but still, fun in a way :)

I remember hearing the phone ringing and wondering who was calling me early in the morning. I didn't manage to pick up the phone in time but I remember feeling my heart fall down to the pit of my stomach when I saw who it was. It wouldn't have been a problem if someone else had not shared with me her observation of me involving this person a few days before this so I got scared and purposely misplaced my phone (yes, I could actually do that, being the scatterbrain me). Purposely also being me not looking for my phone when I realized it wasn't near me (and since I was still unpacking, mmg tak susah la nak misplace phone tu pun).

I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't had that discussion with my friend. If my friend hadn't shared with me the change she saw in me. If I wasn't too scared that she was right and I was putting myself in for another heartbreak. If I was brave enough to face it, who knows, I would've gotten over it looooong ago. Might even realize (or at least, convinced myself) that she was wrong..

I wish things were different, you know, coz this sucks!

Change..

Ever sat down and thought about how much things have changed in one year? Exactly one year? Or one month? One week? Or even one day?

Exactly one year ago, things were different. The year was still quite new and I had so much hope for the year. It had started on the most blessed day of the week, Friday.. and by luck, my birthday was also to be on a Friday, which normally would not happen but it was a leap year so yeay!

Somehow, I had a feeling it was going to be one of the best years in my life, though in what 'department, I pun tatau but it just felt right..

Now?

I don't feel as if it's my worst year.. but it was a bit disappointing I guess..

Moving for the second time in two months at the end of January and trying to fit my 'new life' into a place less than half the space of my 'old life'.. But I AM thankful for it.. I just wish it didn't feel so exhausting (and I don't mean physically).

Then with problems from my old boss around a third way through of the year, being gaji-less for two months. Not only that, having our pay cut without any warning too.. I was too 'tired' to be angry by then.

And then the being hospitalized episode of my life.. and still struggling to stop feeling as if I'm only half a woman right now..

Then there was the 'matters of heart' which I was pretending so hard wasn't happening, only to have my friends tell me that they notice the change in me (which to them was a  happy thing but to me, scary!) I don't want to ruin a good friendship and also, I've never been lucky in this 'thing' so I wasn't really sure on what to do or how to act and such.. having always to remind myself to NEVER misinterpret anything.. because in the end, I'd just be hurting myself most of all.

By the end of the year, I was just too tired and wanted the year to end and go as far away as possible. I didn't want to remember all those mistakes, all those heartaches, all those things that kept me awake at night..

Till today, I still can't seem to muster any positivity (though, the exception is for that one day when I had that strange dream which I might or might not write about later) for the year. I'd like to say that I'm jut going with the flow but I know better.. I just don't want to hope for anything anymore. At least for now..

Phantom Pain?

The scar hurts sometimes. Mostly the ovariectomy one (new words you learn, huh..) but the appendectomy one too sometimes.

I'd joked with Izati before, it sometimes hurts when it's raining or cold but nowadays it gets more frequent (maybe because it's raining a bit more than usual jugak kot?) It doesn't 'hurt' hurt.. More like discomfort hurt. Like it's being jerked from inside but just a quick jerk, not a prolonged one.

I sometimes want to share this with someone but I'm afraid if I'm just being dramatic so I just keep quiet about it.

I did tell Dayah about it the other day, only because I was worried. I was so relieved when she didn't act as if I was being dramatic but she told me to take more care of myself as I don't know the inside condition of my wound. The outside does seem to heal but it's the inside that I should be extra careful about.. and she told me that that may be the reason of my discomfort (sambil jeling cakap Ayu ni bukan tau dok diam haha..)

I thought of doing the pantang thing all over again because I've been eating to much eggs and chicken (which I was told NOT to eat then) but those are the only things that are easy to get. The market here doesn't have much choice of fish and I'm too lazy to go to the Pt Buntar market eversince moving here.

I'm still worried though but I think it's okay.. Maybe just a phantom pain, right? Because I'm still too conscious of the ugly scars and everytime it hurts, my hand automatically goes to the scar and I can feel the ridges and such..

I wish I wasn't too conscious of these scars though.. 😦😧😨

On My Sticky Note..

Was checking on my ol' sticky note on my desktop and found this. I don't even remember WHEN I saved it.. and I made the mistake of not copying the source too.

"One grows distant from another, not because of hatred, not because of indifference, but because of fear. There's the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer; a recognition of the tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities. Sometimes, what drives one away is not the absence of emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.."

Years later, it still makes sense.. and even more maybe :(

First Wordplay of 2017 ;)

Sesungguhnyaaaa gambo takde kene ngene haha..

In keeping with my previous post, I decided to paste another word-play in my blog haha.. Taaaaaak, tak terre lagi aiihhh.. 

Ni more sebab saja nak save and senang nak cari balik nnt =) Klau harap FB, harus tunggu On-This-Day plak, jenuh setahun baru jumpa balik :p

So this was my 1st long (long la sangat) word play for 2017. Macaaaaam ade sepantun dua jugak this year tp kene cari balik la plak nnt :p

Apa dalam peti,

Simpan bok sorok,

Apa dalam hati,

Simpan elok-elok

Apa dalam tangan,

Jaga, jangan lalai,

Apa di fikiran,

Jaga, jangan terbuai

Apa dalam laci,

Simpan biar tak terbuka,

Apa dalam mimpi,

Simpan biar terus rahsia

Apa dalam gua,

Yang tahu yang teroka,

Apa dalam doa,

Yang tahu hanya saya

Posted on FB on Jan 18, 2:21pm

When You Need To Do What's Best For Your Heart..

Tell me your story

Things that are true

Let me in on those secrets

Let me know the real you

Tell me your fears

What keeps you awake

We'll chase them away together

Whack and beat them till they break

Tell me your sorrows

That cling to your heart

We'll untangle them, we'll free them

Separate them, keep them apart

Tell me your grief

What breaks you deep inside

We'll put the pieces back together

You can trust me, you can confide

Tell me your dreams

Those precious gems you hold on to

I'll believe in them, protect them

And help you make them all come true

I'd shared this on FB after a few days of writing and rewriting. I've never been the play-with-words kinda of student but nowadays I get fascinated with them, thus, my amateur attempts at ringing them together to form things like this.

The first verse came to me like it was already in my head (which I'm praying it really was. Don't really want to be accused of plagiarism, do I?). I would have left it at that if it didn't remind me of someone. So I tried to make it longer, and somehow, other people came into mind too..

When I say other people, I don't really mean that I'm already this kind of friend. What I mean is I WANT to be this kind of friend to them, just as they had been for me at my times of need.. Even when I didn't know that I needed them.. and I hope that one day I'd be given the chance to be so :)

What has been nagging me for a few days is that, the person who I had first thought of suddenly, after months of silence, contacted me to give some thought on what I had written. No, I'm not annoyed, far from that. I'm always afraid of being criticized but I really welcome it from these people who I know are sincere. It's just that I felt it was kind of irony that this person wanted to share some thought on something I had written for this said individual. I didn't even know how to respond except say thanks (when I would've liked to say so many other things too :( )

It makes me a bit sad that now I don't know how to be comfortable around this person anymore..

I don't think I'll ever be able to get back to how things were until I learn to control these unexplainable (is this even a word?) feelings and to stop questioning the 'whys' that have been messing around in my head these past few months but I know one day I will :) 

*cross fingers*

The Thing About Hugs..

..is that most of the time, you don't know you need a hug until you get one.

I've had two instances this has happened to me.

The First

It was around the time we first got to know about my father's second marriage. Naturally, everyone was upset but we handled them differently.. at least on the outside. Somehow people I loved forgot that I was upset too..

People expected us to choose sides but how was I supposed to do that? I could barely grasp on what was happening, let alone decide if I wanted to throw one parent away or not. So both were mad at me because both thought I chose the other. I was even called anak derhaka more than a few times just because I refused to choose but in this case, Tuhan lagi tahu. He is the better judge than any accusation thrown in my way so I left it all to Him.

Still, my heart and head was in turmoil. I was trying to a good daughter, the peacemaker and trying to understand it from both point of views while keeping takdir Tuhan in sight (it has been 'written' dulu lagi, and God has His reasons on everything that happens) yet my heart was broken by the two people I loved the most. I couldn't turn to anyone of them as both were full of venom with the other so it won't help in matters, but I couldn't just go share it with anyone, could I?

So I bottled it up inside. Only sharing snippets of it to people I trust.

It was during this time that I had temankan IM balik Jitra to go got his computer as the one he was currently using has just quit on him. The plan was to just go get his other computer and go back to the campus while I had plan to hide in the car saja. Of course he had other plans..

He had told his family beforehand so his mother had cooked extra for us to join in dinner. His granma had made some kuih kasui and saved some for us. I his in the toilet to gather my wits but was still nervous like hell as we sat down for dinner.

Before we headed back to the campus, after salam-ing his mum, she suddenly gave me this unexpected hug. I was so surprised that I didn't hug back at first.. the only thing in my mind was, "Please don't let go of me.."

I didn't even realize I needed a hug until she gave me one.. and all of a sudden, all the weight on my shoulders and in my head felt lighter.

Thank you, mak cik!

The Second

Just a few days ago, while I was lazing around at home, my sister called and told me she was coming with my mum for some food hunting. It was still the CNY holidays so she was on leave (I already had a class that night but I was free all day) and I was looking forward for some enjoyable company.

When they arrived, I noticed someone else with them.. and a very rough voice saying 'Cepat laaa' over and over again. It was my brother and sis-in-law ♡ They didn't even tell my mum or sis until they had arrived *grins* and it made my heart give out a little dance as I haven't seen them since raya.. aka BEFORE

I had a great few hours as they rummaged through my stuff (sorok my dancing Groot and Hot Wheels), went food hunting ("semua kedai sini tak suke kt Ti sbb semua yg Ti nak pegi asyik tutup je" haha..) and buat kecoh. They stayed here till after Maghrib as I had my class at 8.15 pm and they went back to Sg Ara.

As we salam-ed before parting, my clown of a brother was still pretending that he had my baby Groot and stuff like that when all of a sudden he said, "Meh peluk skit"

As a rule, we have never been physically affectionate as siblings. We'd joke, prank, laugh and all but other than that memang mcm tak je. In fact, my first reaction was, "Haaa, buat salah ape plak ni?" as I looked around to see if my Groot was safe.

But somehow, once again I felt like saying, "Please don't let go of me.." and I struggled to stop the tears from falling and try maintaining a cheery disposition.

I don't know if he knew I needed that but I'm glad for once he broke the rule..