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Monday, February 27, 2017

Change..




Ever sat down and thought about how much things have changed in one year? Exactly one year? Or one month? One week? Or even one day?

Exactly one year ago, things were different. The year was still quite new and I had so much hope for the year. It had started on the most blessed day of the week, Friday.. and by luck, my birthday was also to be on a Friday, which normally would not happen but it was a leap year so yeay!

Somehow, I had a feeling it was going to be one of the best years in my life, though in what 'department, I pun tatau but it just felt right..

Now?

I don't feel as if it's my worst year.. but it was a bit disappointing I guess..

Moving for the second time in two months at the end of January and trying to fit my 'new life' into a place less than half the space of my 'old life'.. But I AM thankful for it.. I just wish it didn't feel so exhausting (and I don't mean physically).

Then with problems from my old boss around a third way through of the year, being gaji-less for two months. Not only that, having our pay cut without any warning too.. I was too 'tired' to be angry by then.

And then the being hospitalized episode of my life.. and still struggling to stop feeling as if I'm only half a woman right now..

Then there was the 'matters of heart' which I was pretending so hard wasn't happening, only to have my friends tell me that they notice the change in me (which to them was a  happy thing but to me, scary!) I don't want to ruin a good friendship and also, I've never been lucky in this 'thing' so I wasn't really sure on what to do or how to act and such.. having always to remind myself to NEVER misinterpret anything.. because in the end, I'd just be hurting myself most of all.

By the end of the year, I was just too tired and wanted the year to end and go as far away as possible. I didn't want to remember all those mistakes, all those heartaches, all those things that kept me awake at night..

Till today, I still can't seem to muster any positivity (though, the exception is for that one day when I had that strange dream which I might or might not write about later) for the year. I'd like to say that I'm jut going with the flow but I know better.. I just don't want to hope for anything anymore. At least for now..


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