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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Nape sy masih takut?

Yesterday I had my class at Jawi.. hmm, I usually write about my classes kan? Nnt la.. tonight I've got other things on my mind and no one to talk to.. =(

I was waiting for my students to finish the exercise I just gave them when my phone rang. When I saw the caller ID, I felt my heart plunge right down to my toes. No, it wasn't a nighmarish kinda call or person.. it was only mak cik..

I know, I've promised myself to call her eversince the night of Aidilfitri when I didn't pick up the phone when she called. I've been feeling guilty since but still never found the time to return her call. It wasn't that I didn't have the time to call her, but it was more on being a cowardly person, not knowing what to expect.. I know, shame on me kan!

Padahal mak cik sgt lah baik (and pak cik pun same). Through the hard time I went through those 7 years ago, they NEVER blamed me for anything. And not only did they not blame me, they kept calling to make sure I was alright. Dan tak cukup dengan call sy, they'd call kak Ana to check on me and to make sure I was happy and that I wasn't dwelling on what was happening at that time.. sy mmg tak kenang budi kan? ='(

Sy tak kate diorg tak salahkan sy, maybe la jugak diorg rase I should've done something to make things right, but they never said it to me. The only reason they'd call was just to check on me and I really appreciate that.. sampai IM, in his anger, also said that I'd rather talk to his mother than to him. Tp sekarang, bile diorg call, sy lari.. what the hell is wrong with me?

I don't want them to think that I haven't gotten over their son coz almost everytime they called, they'd ask me if I've found someone yet. Maybe thats why I avoid them.. or maybe its because sometimes mak cik just wants to tell me about IMs progress. I don't want him anymore, make no mistake, but there are times when I just can't bear to think of him.. though now there are also times when I mostly only remember the good things that make me smile.

Like yesterday, she was telling me about her other son who was doing his practical training and she said, "Abang dia pun mengajar kat sane.."

Normal people might've asked, "Abg yg mane?" especially if you know the family. But I didn't dare to ask even though I know most probably it would be his eldest brother and not him, himself.

Aisyy.. dah bertahun pun sy still tak boleh nak sebut pasal dia ke ngan mak dia?

Even the other day when Sid told me she frequently see's him when she takes her lunch outside (siap kate, "Takpe Ayu, dia dah tak ensem dah!" Hahah.. boleh?), I just let her talk about it and didn't ask anything. Not because I wasn't curious, but because I'm still so afraid of talking about it.

But I was happy yesterday. I know, I must've sounded a bit rude when I quickly told makcik I was in the middle of a class (macam tanak ckp ngan dia je kan, dah la susah payah dia call) but as I talked to her, I was happy. She still cares about me, and for this I'm glad. I asked about pakcik (who was out for a meeting) and her other sons (AFTER she told me the latest on her youngest one, Shafiq).

I hope I'll be able to make more of an effort after this and stop being so afraid of it..


Drama Mama said...

don't be afraid. for all u know, kalau u jumpa dia again u might not be feeling anything but rasa silly coz rasa benda tu macam so childish. that's how i always felt with the ex-es. haha

Anonymous said...

feeling is something that u cannot tell a lie..even how hard u tried to hide it from others, it's still there..undoubtly..sometimes it feels good sometimes otherwise..
time heals every pain..stick to that..u'll find that u're not afraid anymore...

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Bai: Childish ka?

Anon: Hmmm.. thanx! Though I pride myself in not even wanting to know about that person eversince he got married (instead of still chasing him la), I guess i'm just afraid that what people have been telling me all this while is true: I haven't really gotten over him. Though I think thats kinda ridiculous since I like someone else.. hmmm