Sign from up above?

Ok.. I've never been a believer in horoscopes but I read mine whenever I come across it. Sometimes its a source of amusement to me, but since we know the horoscope is usually very 'universal', I sometimes take the advice to heart.

It so happened, a few days ago (maybe because of my menses) I was overly-sensitive, I merajuk with a friend of mine. Lets call this person 'Friend'. It was nothing really, just something Friend said or did (don't really remember.. thats the problem with my kinda merajuk, I usually forget about it the next day hahah..) that made me think Friend didn't trust me enough.

Anyway, I was suddenly not in the mood to talk with anyone but since I was still chatting with someone, I just made myself invisible. Somehow, something I did during the course of the night hurt Friend so Friend in turn merajuk with me (though I didn't know it yet!)

The next day, while driving to Kulim, I had a long talk with myself (cam org gile sket) and realized how childish I was acting. I mean, I'm too sensitive that even little things seem so big to me so I thought that I'd make up to Friend and go talk to Friend when I went back to the campus. However, I noticed that Friend seemed to be avoiding me and it was then that I realized that maybe Friend was also merajuking with me.

That night, I wanted so badly to go talk with Friend. The whole time during my tuition class, I was trying to come up with topics of conversations haha.. But when I arrived, I noticed that Friend wasn't in his/her cube. Somehow, this made me feel more certain that Friend was avoiding me but I waited anyway..

Then I opened My Yahoo! just to look through the cartoons and my horoscope when lo and behold, a horoscope not-exactly-like-this-but-close greeted me:

Don't take it personally whatever anyone's action are against you today . In fact, a good everyday advice is: you shouldn't really take anything personally. Not everything is done on purpose. Of course, you need to experience your feelings. But just do it once. Try not to hold on and linger in feeling bad or hurt. Let go of your suffering. Get over your misery and move on.

Ok, I don't remember the real wordings and the whole advice but it struck me close to home. I mean, I took Friends action personally when it all might have been a misunderstanding on my part. I felt so stupid for being hurt of nothing and I really wanted to go talk to Friend like I always did before doing my work. Besides, the next day was the day of our weekly ritual, something I always look forward to every week and I was already regreting the fact that I might have to do it alone, the next day. I suddenly felt a great need to go talk with Friend but Friend never came..

That night, my last thought before I slept was of how such a bad friend I was.

When I woke up, I noticed a message on my mobile. I was a bit suprised to find a mesage from friend. Apparantly, Friend didn't feel comfortable merajuk with me (this was what confirmed my suspiscion of Friend's merajuk with me) and wanted to make things like they used to, even asked if I still wanted to go on with our weekly ritual. I wasn't suprised when Friend told me about his/her merajuk with me, though I was a bit confused on why.. still, it made me smile and laugh a little.. Haha, I might sound cruel, but it was so cute knowing Friend wanted to merajuk, but cancelled it in the end, no wonder I was smiling. Besides, smiles and laughter is a great way to start the day, dontcha think?

We had a good talk and I think we understand each other a bit more better now. I told Friend about the horoscope I read and promised to show the entry to him/her.

However, I've spent the whole morning trying to find it. I've gone through the archives for the horoscope up until 2 weeks ago but still can't find it.. and I'm sure I read it a lot of times that night, while I regretted what I had felt that night! I mean, that horoscope made me realize my mistake AND IT's MISSING!

Told Friend about it just now and you know what Friend said?

God works in mysterious ways!

Friend, you know who you are and know what? I agree with you!

To Malaysian or to not Malaysian..

Tonight, when I entered the post graduate room, I was suprised to see abg Fadzil in the room too. He was complaining that Ramadhan had forced him to come here to finish up the brochure for our upcoming colloquium, thus stealing away his precious family time hehe..

At 11pm, abg Fadzil was ready to retire but he wanted to go out for some drinks at Naseer first. So there we were, me, Nasrin, Remy, Ramadhan and abg Fadzil all heading towards Naseer, ready for some teh tarik and fries.

As usual, when lepak ramai², all sorts of topics could become a great discussion. First the guys were asking Nasrin about kahwin muta'ah in Iran, and from there, it lead to why Nasrin has never married yet, and THAT lead on to the fact that there were so few guys of her age left in Iran. Why, huh?

Simple: The war!

I've heard her talking about the war that has happened since more than a decade ago but I've never seen her so passionate when talking about it, like I saw her last night.

I felt a lump in my throat when she talked about her childhood friends who all went to war, but never came back. I can't even imagine losing my childhood friends. The only thing on our minds when we were 12 was our UPSR, which school we wanted to go to, the 1992 Thomas Cup final match between Malaysia and Indonesia and bla.. bla.. bla.. but Nasrin's 12-year-old friends were all thinking about defending their country and going out to war. Imagine, 12-years-old and already getting used to the war!

She said it was normal to dig huge holes to protect themselves whenever a rumour of bombing was heard. She became used to being thrown to the wall by the impact of missiles(?) and explosives. The noise was too normal that a quiet day would surprise them.

I always thought wars were about death so I was surprised when I learned that it doesn't really mean death. Nasrin talked about the people she knew who became deaf (as a results of bombings) and even who went all crazy because of the waves created by these explosives. I mean, they must be mega-sized if the waves could effect the brain to that extent.

Nasrin told us, though deep inside, she loves her country, she's still afraid that the war could happen again and she feels safer in our country here.

For a while, I was silent. The discussion was for only about 20 minutes but the weight of it was felt by all of us who listened to her, speaking with her heart. I couldn't even look at her in the face while she told us about the war and I noticed, I wasn't alone. Even talkative Remy was silent and pretending to be absorbed in the molecules of the teh tarik we were drinking. I'm not good in capturing the fire in what Nasrin just told us here, but if you were there, you'd act just like we did..

I remember a conversation I had with Nasrin earlier. She said that Malaysia is soooo beautiful because it was soooo colourful. I told her, we have mixed cultures here, thats why we are so colourful but she stopped me and asked to to look at these group of palm tress behind our school. At first, I didn't see anything, until she asked me to count, how many shades of green could I see from my pont of view.

Then only did I realize how rich we are with colours. Just from where I was standing, I counted 3 shades of green for the backround mountains, another shade of green from the grass below our feet and numeorus shades of green from each and every single tree there was within view.. at that precise moment, I felt so proud of my country, that I felt ashamed for complaining about our everyday complaints i.e. price hike, low pay etc

When I think about it, I'm lucky.. much² more luckier than most of the population of the world..

And yes, I'm proud to be a Malaysian!

My sis..

Abah came to see Ikram yesterday, and since USMKKj and PLP is not really that far, he called and asked if he could see me (???) Don't ask why, if you don't already know, coz that just means you're not supposed to know, anyway!

I already knew he was coming when Ikram text me earlier in the morning and was ready to switch off my phone until I realized how bad I was behaving. So I half-heartedly waited for him to call, but was a bit surprised when he ASKED if he could see me.

Well, frankly, though we have our moments (that occur more frequently than not), I miss him. And I feel guilty when he asked if he could see me, as if he does not have the right to see us.. Ayu sangat jahat here! :(

Not that I'm already comfortable with my stepmum, but I'm accepting it and the both of us know we are trying. And maybe, just maybe, she's not really that bad after all.. Maybe, we just need a chance to get to know each other. Besides, I have my sister to think of too hehe..

Aaaahhh.. I like the sound of it.. SISTER! Once there were two, now there are three of us (though the age differance of 25 years with me and 16 years with Izati is quite overwhelming!). Even till now, I can't ever get over the excitement of having a(nother) younger sibling.

I love her.. I love her.. I love her.. I love her.. I love her!

And so does Izati, Ikram and Iskandar! Err, Adi, I'm not quite sure but he sure looked happy the last time he met her.. and Iwan has never even seen this sister of his.. but I'm sure he'll be crazy over her just like the rest of us..

Yeah.. I love her!

And it sure helps a lot that Abah has become so much more reachable (betoi ka eja ni?) after the arrival of his 7th(?) child <--Naughty Ayu, trying to be sarcastic, are you?

But then again.. I loooooooooooooooooooove her!

And I'm showing her off to all of you, though ade a bit of me innit. Buang skit gambo tu, kakak dia tak lawa ah hahah.. So I present, Nuribtisam Annisa.. or Annisa to me and my siblings.. or Ica to Abah and Umi and Ndar!

And once again.. I love her! Am crazy for her.. and vow to be the best sister ever for her!

Myself, mumbling now and then..

The past few days have found me a bit busy with such a big workload I thought I'd never finish. My triumph is when I manage to go home BEFORE 2.30am so that's not telling when's my usual time going home nowadays, huh!

Still, when I see how busy Remy is with SOMEONE ELSEs work, I humble down a bit haha.. At least I don't sleep because I'm doing my own work, instead of doing-other-peoples-work-while-worrying-about-my-own. Still remember when we had to force him to go to eat while we helped him.. tu pun nak tolong buat jugak! Apa raaaa Remy.. biar la kitorang nak tolong :-p~

Then there was the problem of my blog. Somehow, the last time I tampered with the template, I must've mistakenly deleted some important parts of the blog. The result: An empty blog! Now I have to recreate my links la apabenda la that I had before, and my bad memory isn't really helping me right now.

All that aside, I'm really in a good mood.. honest! Hahah, kot² la tak percaya, kan..

Then this morning, while waiting for my advisor to correct my paper for the colloquium (I'm never correct when I spell this word!) I was fiddling with my pc.. checking my email, trying to remember the links in my blog, rereading my thesis, main game (ni yang utama sebenarnye hehe..).. then the pop-up window for my MSN messenger came up, indicating one of my contacts is online.

One of my tiring habits is to click on the pop-up to see who it is, though that doesn't mean I'd start a conversation.However, for a fraction of a second, I froze when I noticed who had just come online.

For a while, I was a bit dumbfounded but I surprised myself when I closed the window and continued with my work, while yelling to Ramadhan who had sneakingly come to throw rubbish in my cubicle. I didn't even think about it at all until just now..

I guess its been too long now. I've grown outta the I-cant-even-see-you-online-without-getting-tearful phase and stepping into the I-think-I-can-convince-myself-that-I-dont-care phase. Well, admittedly, 2 days ago I was thinking of IM when I accidently stumbled upon an old photo in my drawer (I thought I'd already thrown that away) that led me to reading my diaryland blog that I've left for so long. I was a bit sad that night but cheered up when I went to have a midnight nasik lemak with Pojie who was hungry mase tu.. hahah, ngan saya² skali makan nasik lemak malam tu, eventhough ade sedikit kurang sedap dari dulu..

Huh? Pardon? What's that you're trying to tell me?

"GET A LIFE!!"

Hahah.. I heard you the first time.. really! I'm not even in my usual wallowing-in-selfpity self here, though I don't really know why I'm talking about this anyway. Maybe its because the past few days, IM has made a few oh-so-briefly appearances in my mind.. he WAS someone close to me, anyway! But that's a 'WAS'.. and at this vey moment, its a 'NOW'! Big differance there if you ask me..

So please, God, remind me of that differance. Remind me that I shouldn't hold on to anyone else when I have You with me every second of the day. Remind me, to never forget You and to never forget the angels You've sent for me in form of family and friends. And remind me, to be thankful of Your blessings, everyday! Amiiin.

Kame-Hame-Haaaaaaa!!!

Mama called me just now, wanting to know if I had any single bedsheets available to lend to Ikram. Seems like their hostel has cancelled their 'free bedsheets' policy and the students were asked to bring in their own.

However, in the background, I heard Ikram yelling something. I asked Mama about it and Mama laughingly told me that Ikram had found my DragonBall bedsheet and was claiming it as his own. As I was giving out my protest, I sudenly remembered the history of that bedsheet..

I was in form 4 during that time. My bestfriend was Ami, but I was also close to Ezrin, Amoi, Misa and Shikin. We were the pioneers of the science stream class in AlMashoor, and the pressure to help maintain the 100% excellence in SPM for the school was growing on us with each passing day. I mean, we were somehow always being reminded that before this, our school always had 100% passes so we were forewarned NOT to tarnish the school's reputation, since we were the ones who had really wanted the school to have a science stream class.

Our class only had 15 students! And yes, we were close with each other, but I was especailly close to the ones I've named above. I was the bookworm of the class, always with a book under my desk while the teacher was babbling in front. Ami was the laugh of the class, with her own laughing echoing through the class each and every day. Amoi and Misa were the inseparable bestfriends who could finish each others sentances, much to the envy of all of us in class.. and yeah, they were my partners in crime whenever I wanted to find a specific issue of Galaxie or comics we read. Shikin, the prankster of the class was a tall and thin girl who always had ideas up her sleeve. Ezrin was my Chemical, Physics AND Biology Lab mate, though most of the time we were gossiping while Cikgu Zainiyah, Cikgu Siti Azwan (kurang skit coz we kinda liked Physics) and Cikgu Pauziah rambled on.

Fadhlina was the Bahasa Melayu 'scholar' in our class. She loved writing short stories that I'd beg to read everytime I knew she wrote a new one. Her ambition at that time was to be an investigator, much to the amusement of the class until they learnt that in form 2, I had written that I wanted to be a photographer.. then I was the butt of the jokes haha..

Sonne was my rival in academics in form 5. We were constantly battling for the number 1 in every test and exam though I won in the end hahah <--gelak jahat! The both of us were maths crazy, trying our best to outdo each other in Maths, Additional Maths and Physics and though I managed to be just a bit ahead of her, she took away the prize for Physics from me in form 5. Well, she was a great 'opponent'!

Ibtisam, or Isyam was the 'trouble maker' of the class who always loved challenging the authority of the prefects and the discilplinary teacher, Cikgu Pah! She was my rival in English, and she too was a great 'opponent'. However, she was a better and more confident speaker than shy me, so she was the one who became one of the debators for the school while I just settled into becoming their 'proof-reader' and chairperson for the debating sessions (our school was the host). Frankly, I had a lot more to thank her. She had commented something in our first day in the class (truth is, I had the WORST PMR results in the whole class), and that comment made me work much harder than anyone else in that class..

Then there was Fadzilah, a die-hard fan of Shah Rukh Khan even before anyone knew who he was. She sat next to me and I always called her the class pantry as she always had tonnes of food under her desk. I nicknamed her Soto, though I don't really remember why.. kenape ek, Misa?

Nafisah and Mazrah were the newbies in the school and both were the quiet type. Mazrah was the 'innocent' one and she was always the victim of our jokes. However, once in a while she'd get back to us that we won't know what hit us.. kire diam² ubi la jugak minah ni! Nafisah was the serious one, the 'baik' type who always made us feel ashamed whenever we were too cheeky!

The three prefects in our class were Suzianie, Yana and kak Da. You know how we ALWAYS despise prefects? Well, I'll vouch for them saying they were a few of the 'ok' prefects I've ever met!Suzianie was the best as she'd always warn us of spotchecks and all that haha.. Yana was the not-to-serious but not-to-linient one while kak Da (she was older by a year and from Maktab Mahmud) was the most serious one that in some cases, Ami had to subtly WARN her not to give us away. She'd always sulk when we did that to her, but she just beared with us, anyway!

Aiseh.. lari topik la pulak!

Anyway, I had always seen the boys (our family's joint nickname of Iwan and Adi) reading Dragon Ball but I never got interested in them until, Isyam bought a few copies to school. Though I scolded her for getting our class in trouble, I was instantly hooked. Turned out that Nafisah was also a huge fan and I bullied her into bringing her whole collection for me to read!

Thats why, afer classes me, Amoi and Misa (and Nafisah as the reluctant 'follower' --> she didn't like wasting her time, I guess) could always be found at the magazine stall at KOMTAR or the jetty, in search of comic books (but yang cutesy macam tu la.. Pedang Setiawan or whatever yang lain, we weren't interested in.. except Amoi la kot!). I even resorted to bringing lunch from home to save money for my new found interest. We read Dragon Ball (our topmost favourite), Dragon Quest, Yuyu Hakusho, Penyiasat Remaja bla.. bla.. bla.. and the list goes on.. even succeeded in making kak Da read the comics too haha..

Me, Amoi and Misa used to go to Chowrasta searching for backdated issues. Well, truth is, these so-called second hand ones were mostly just like brand new, anyway.. plus, they were cheaper. I had a whole shelf in my room (though hidden from Abah la.. he hated those comics) dedicated to Dragon Ball.

Amoi, the artist of the class always drew any characters we requested. When our juniors came to sell these ceramic tiles ke apentah, we just bought blank ones, prefering Amoi's drawing than the juniors flowery and too-sugary-sweet designs.

On my 17th birthday, Amoi gave me a red (RED? I hated red back then!) Dragon Ball bed sheet. Suke giler! After washing it, I quickly changed my bedsheet into this one and it became my favourite one. The boys were soooo jelous of me. In fact, I must've alternated it between the other sheets until it became a bit faded due to constant washing, but I loved it anyway. However, when entering matriks, I had to leave it behind as we could only use the bedsheets provided by the college.

Truth is, during the early part of form 5, we were beginning to feel restless, the pressure put on us by some narrow minded Ustaz ("Perempuan tak elok amik science!") was starting to bother us but we wanted to prove that he was totally off the mark! Isyam started to break more rules and was a constant headache for me as I was the one (the reluctant class monitor yang kene pakse ngan cikgu Pah to become the monitor after I gave a stupid reason to not be a prefect!) who was always called whenever she made any trouble. Everyone was getting easily irritated and all that, BUT wonders of wonders, when I opened Amoi's gift, the whole class lighted up. Even kak Da..

After that, the WHOLE class cooperated in smuggling the comics and hiding them whenever there was a spotcheck. I think its fair to say that this insignificant (haha..) rule-breaking thing bought us closer together, though with kak Da, this was the only rule-breaking thing she'll tolerate. I still laugh whenever I remember catching her with the comic in her hand, while she smiled sheepishly at me, being caught red handed.

A few years ago, I found out that my comics were being read by Ikram, Izati and Iskandar and since they never put them back, my aunty had gathered them in a box, and BURNED them in a bonfire. I was so mad at all of them, and so sad for losing those precious comics. To me, they are not only comic books, but a legacy from friends that symbolize a strong relationship of an expanded network that went through the fire but still came out alive and kicking. I had almost forgot about my red faded bedsheet..

My mind snapped back into the present when I heard Ikram begging to borrow it for a while. He had always been fond of this bedsheet as he also loved Dragon Ball and was close to Amoi. I started to protest again but when I remembered Amoi's face when she saw how delighted I was with her present, I guess I just wanted to share the joy I had felt over a simple cartoon.

So well, I've given Ikram permission to use it ONLY for a week and after that, I want it back. My bedsheets now are mostly cartooned flowers and sea shells (when it comes to bedsheets, I seem to have a fetish for sea shells) but the next change of bedsheets (I washed the previous one this morning!) I wanna remember the thoughfulness of an old friend and the joy a simple cartoon made to bond all of us together!

P/S Even to this day, whenever I talk about these comics, I always associate them with my form 4 and form 5 classes.. betul tak, Misa?

Ohhh PFK..!

My car is only three years old, and yet its beginning to 'manja lebih' now..

It started a few days ago. I wanted to go to USM straight from my tuition class but when I wanted to swipe my smartcard at the gate, I found out that my windows could not be rolled down. However, I didn't panic yet and just stopped, opened my door and swiped the card. But then, while driving to the school, I noticed my lights were dim. When I tried to adjust the lights (thinking I had forgotten to fully turn the 'knob' or whatever you may call it), I realized that it wasn't working properly. Then, I noticed that the air cond was suddenly off and it was THEN, that I panicked.

Practically running upstairs, I told Pojie and Husnul about my car and Pojie went down to check on my car. Would you believe it, once he tried to start my car, EVERYTHING was ok.. cettt! Malu pun ade, macam making a fuss outta nothing.. I vowed NEVER to panic like that again!

The next day, all was ok..

But the following night, I promised to take Lie to Parit Buntar since he had things to buy. It was raining and while I was driving (thankfully IN the campus dah masa tu), the windscreen wiper suddenly stopped in its tracks. When I noticed my lights had once again gone dim, and my air cond wasn't working (plus, I tried to push the power window button with nothing happening), I started to panic.. that is until everything was fine again! Though a bit disturbed, I still proceeded with the plan that night.

After coming back from town, I went to the post graduate room to continue with my work and at 2.15am, I decided to call it a day and go home. On my way home, my lights once again buat hal and stupid-o me was smart enough to stop at the side of the road (though thankfully IN my residential area.. I was only a few hundred metres away from my house BUT clever me HAD to stop someplace else!) to check on the lights and (dunno why I did it) the engine!

After feeling satisfied that nothing was wrong, I went in my car and started the ignition.

Nothing happened!

Panic la lagi kan! It was 2.30am and I was all alone with images of bad peoples lurking around in my mind. My car was in the middle of the road and I don't think I could push it all alone to the safe side of the road. Quickly locking myself in my car, I quickly tried to think of WHO I could call. My first thought was my brother, Pojie but then I remembered he had just gone home that afternoon. Sape lagi eh?

I was about to give up, when I remembered Remy. Haha, and to think that just a little more than two hours earlier, I had jokingly told him that I've grown bored seeing his face everyday.. dengan malunya, I called him. Good thing my phone had just been reconnected after being blocked for the last week and a half (sekse ooo bile tak leh gune your mobile phone!)

The 15-minute wait was filled with me trying to start up the engine, but with no success. When Remy finally arrived, I was at the point of exasperation. He and his friend pushed my car while I navigated the steering and of all things, when Remy tried to start up the engine, IT WAS OK! Bengong nye keter..!!!! But by then, my lights, wiper, window and aircond refused to cooperate completely..

Remy and his friend escorted me home and advised me to go to the workshop the next day, just to check my battery. Boy, was it hot, driving without the aircon and unable to roll down the windows. And to top it all off, it wasn't the battery, but something else about the connection apemendentah!

Anyway, my car's ok now.. just a minor glitch that need minor repairs.. but without them, I wouldn't know how to go back and forth to my tuition centre at night WITHOUT lights, and aircond. Dah la orang lain gune kete manual, and I'm only confident using automatic ones so nak pinjam keter pun tak bleh..

*sigh*

...

I have a box in my room. Its just a simple green box with daisies all around the top and I've put it on top of my book shelf along with other boxes I've collected.

If you open the box, you'd find a lot of odd and ends. There are letters, birthday cards and raya cards. You'd find book marks and stickers. You'd also come across a 2002 Sanggar Sanjung desk calender for the year 2003. There's a small frame with a cartoon and the words 'Friends Forever' on it as well as a framed graduation picture of two friends dated nearly 4 years ago.

There's also a bottle of unknown perfume(?) and an empty bottle of cough syrup given to me once upon a time ago when I was unwell. A couple of CDs with my favourite songs have also found their way into this box and a pen or two can also be found somewhere in here.Another momento is ceramic block, written with the words,'Thank you for being my best friend!'

Truth is, I can't really categorize all the items in this box as it has a little bit of everything, but, I know some people who'd call it 'The Memory Box'.. and truth is, all these items DO symbolize some memories from one single 'source'.

However, I call it my Pandora's Box!

But.. instead of containing all the sadness and sufferings in this world, it contains only my own sadness, though once it was my source of happiness. Instead of being something I know I shouldn't touch, its something I'm always wanting to go through, as a constant reminder of how I once and still feel..

Why I still keep it, I don't know. I don't really understand why I still hold on to it, and why sometimes, I just torture myself by going through all the contents in this box while reminiscing the memory that comes along with each and every item.

Last night, it took all my will power to stop myself from taking this box down from its place and going thorugh it again. Resisting the temptation of yet another tearful walk down the memory lane was one thing, but the realization that time does not really heal that much was another thing.

Whoever had come up with that phrase was obviously in a state of denial. Time does NOT heal, instead, it just numbs the feelings inside. You know its there, and though you've grown used to the hurt, once in a while, you'd feel it piercing through you like it just happened.

For a few recent nights, while driving back from my classes, I find my mind wandering back to a few years ago, when everything seemed so right. Once in a while during those nights, I panic when I can't remember a certain face that once filled my dreams but then, is it possible to forget a face? I mean, you're not supposed to forget how someone so close to your heart looks like, right?

Then after the panic has passed, I'd be filled with this feeling of sadness while trying to make sure WHEN did things take a turn for the worse and then I'd try my best to make sense of everything..

But last night, I did succumb to the temptation to rub salt on the wound though not through my Pandora's Box. Right after doa for my Isya prayers, my hand instinctly went to my graduation album and turned to a page that has the same photo as in my Pandora's Box.. and thats where I sat for a long time, reminding myself never to trust my heart again!

Pagi yang bengang..

Yeah.. I'm mad and I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE KNOWS!!!

I guess it started yesterday, though yesterday I wasn't the least annoyed. I had finished Dr M's work and was just starting on another job he gave me when the phone rang. Abdullahi picked up the phone and it turned out that Dr M was searching for me (again?). Oh well..

Went up to his room, feeling a bit on guard, knowing how garang he is when he is dissatisfied with your work. My mind was working overtime, thinking of what I had done wrong, knowing how I meticulously looked over each and every detail of the work he gave me.

However, when he explained everything to me I realized that it wasn't ME who made the mistake, but this other group who made the mistake earlier on the traffic survey. Still, since the members of the group weren't there, and since Dr M had to yell at someone, I WAS THE VICTIM here. I didn't quite mind though, since I knew it wasn't my mistake and he can't really pinpoint the fault on me but somehow, I pitied the group members who made the mistake. I even covered up for them, trying to find ways to show the mistake was just a misunderstanding. Ni bukan tunjuk baik, but if you know Dr M, you'd do the same too.. I had to endure a one-and-a-half-hour of his anger JUST BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSES MISTAKE!

However, back in postgraduate room, I was back to my usual self. I even joked with Abdullahi about the kene marah episode, knowing it was something ALL OF US could relate to. No, I didn't go and make a fuss out of it and pegi mengamuk kat semua orang ke ape ke.. just shrugged it off, with Choong and Abdullahi laughing at me when I complained of having my kene marah quota filled up for today. Abdulllahi even joked that he liked it when I was working with Dr M, as it would put him to a few days of rest from this advisor of his since Dr M kept calling me haha..

That night however, when I came into the postgraduate room, I found a note from my colleague who's from the group who made the mistake. I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable with the note as I felt as if he was accusing me about something (tale telling, maybe?) but since I knew how sensitive I was, I just ignored the feeling.

Fast forward to this morning, I came in early as I was cycling. A few minutes afterwards, this colleague came in too. The first thing he asked me was of yesterday's incident so I just told him what happened, while joking about it. However, I started feeling a bit funny when I noticed a cynical smile on his face and when he started saying that I was making a big fuss of the mistake while subtly hinting that I WAS THE ONE who was the tale-teller, I started to feel annoyed. May I remind you that Dr M was the one who found the mistake and I HAD TO TAKE THE BLAME for the first half-hour he was angry (until he realized it wasn't my fault at all la). And just for the record, I don't care a damn bit pun for your mistakes, I only analyze what is given to me so WHY SHOULD HE ACCUSE ME OF MAKING A FUSS AND BEING THE TALE TELLER? My job would be much² easier if I had ignored the mistake lah..

Still, I reasoned with myself, reminding me that they are having a bad time with Dr M now so I pretended to not be offended. However, in the cafe, this colleague started saying things about Dr M that I don't think he should have. C'mon la, the mistake was obviously made so Dr M HAD a reason to be mad anyway. Still, I just listened. Then he asked me again, about what Dr M was so mad about. Though warning bells were ringing in my head, I proceeded to tell him about it, AND told him not to worry much as yesterday we had found out where the mistake had come from so Dr M really wasn't as mad as he was yesterday. He only wanted to reprimand them (Ayat Dr: "Ni bukan budak² yang buat keje, ni student master so level mesti la level intellectual.. takde ruang for silly mistakes")

Then, he raised his voice to me RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAFE! And since his hand was on this senduk koay teow, he WAVED THE SENDUK RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE! A few people were turning to us, macam kan orang bergaduh plak..

Bengang nye rase.. I retorted back, quietly reminding him that he was the one who asked me to tell him about it, so buat apa nak marah saya? Bangang!!! <--kan dah kene bangang

As if it was my fault! If anyone had the right to be mad, IT WAS ME! Is it fair that I had to be scolded yesterday BECAUSE OF SOMEONE ELSES FAULT? And though I was at the receiving end of it, did I go and mengamuk tak tentu pasal kat bilik postgrad? Bebal² pun tak, in fact, my colleague here can ask Choong and Abdullahi about my reaction of being scolded for something that was not my fault!

Then, orang yang buat salah pulak nak marah² saya.. daripada tak bengang semalam, terus jadi bengang! Mangkuk!!! I was so mad.. and a bit sad for not only being accused of making a fuss, but for being the receving end of 'fury' from both parties! Dr M, I don't mind that much, coz I know how he is when it involves work, but this colleague, God! I wanted to strangle him there and then. And this is not the first time, last week he had also annoyed me for something different, but related to what happened yesterday!

And I HATE being mad coz I have an expressionless face that comes to life ONLY when I'm mad so everyone will know I'm angry! I couldn't even look at my colleagues face afterwards and when he once again asked me the same stupid question of,"Apa Dr M cakap semalam?", I wanted to scream.. thats what I wanted to do la, but in reality, I just looked straight at the monitor, telling him to ask Dr M himself. No more being the middle person anymore.

C'mon la, everytime you make a mistake or if you forget something, and you're afraid to ask Dr M, you PUSH ME IN Dr M's direction..

The hell with it la.. let me talk about last week..

When we wanted to go observe data in Ipoh, this friend asked me to call up the people who could help us, which I did gladly since I really wanted to do some field work. Mind you, I did most of the calling and asking. Then suddenly outta the blue, he came to me saying, "Ingat ye, saya sorang je yang cari semua orang ni!"

I was a bit confused for what he was saying since
1. I DID help him ask around
2. Kenapenye nak kene cakap macam tu?

Until I found out that we were being paid for finding people.

Ok, fine, tak kisah.. Berapa sen sangat pun but he reminded me if Dr M asked, ONLY his name would be put up as the 'agent'. Ok, I'm starting to be annoyed but what the heck, I don't really want to responsible for 15 people, do I?

Then a few days later, when we were doing our claims, he asked me to ask about the money! Ape punye mangkuk ayun, dah la I'm not the one in charge (dia jugak yang kate cam tu kan.. that he was the only one in charge.. in fact, he had the cheeks to repeat to me, macam mantra pulak, "Saya je buat keje sorang², awak sikit pun tak tolong") C'mon la, its an unwritten rule that money is a sensitive issue and if you're not in charge, don't ever ask about the money. Imagine me, yang jadi kuli batak pulak yang mintak duit.. c'mon la, you said you were in charge, pegi la tanya sendiri.. kang orang kata saya tak malu pulak, sibuk² pasal duit!

Then, when I told him that I didn't think it was my place to ask about the money, he tengking me saying,"Tu pun tak reti nak buat!!" Cess, kecik ati, teman! I'm not stupid, ok.. I just don't think its my place to ask about it.. Cuba suruh orang lain, diorang pun mesti tak nak punya lah!

So there, last week I had almost forgiven him for scolding me in front of two postgraduate students and a junior.. but what happened today, made my resentment last week come back at full force.

Aaaaarrrrghhhhh, I hate him!!! Just because I'm a girl, doesn't mean I'm stupid, ok..

Anyway, I think I've cooled down a bit now.. Hey, its not so bad at having a blog, huh?