Saturday, December 31, 2011
So we're at the last few hours of 2011. I'm sitting here, trying to reflect on the year I've had.. and nothing comes to mind.
The only things I could see are regrets, regrets and more regrets.. *sigh*
The biggest regret being that I could not finish my PhD this year.. with that fault placed on my shoulders and mine alone. And still, while thinking it, I still couldn't conjure up any passion for it as I once had. I'm not even sure on how I stand in this field anymore and it scares me. But what terrifies me the most is how I couldn't even force myself to even look at my research and how for the last two months, I haven't even glanced at it, preferring to pretend its not there =(
And thats the biggest! What about the numerous small ones I've had?
..that once in a while, I feel as if I've also lost my passion in teaching? Sometime I go to classes with such a heavy heart, I amazed myself when I could go through the two-hour period of it. Luckily, this feeling doesn't come often.. but still, I'm scared that one day, I won't feel like teaching anymore.. when it was always something I wanted to do since I was a kid. Yeah! I know, most kids say they want to be a teacher just because that was what everyone else wanted (you know, the usual ambitions kids have like policeman, soldier, doctor and so on..) But I actually really wanted to be a teacher since I was a wee kid..
..that for the past two years, I've let myself believe that there might be life after IM, only to have my illusions shattered midway through the year. I've put my heart on my sleeve just to lose it once more and glued all the broken pieces of it, just to see it.. well, you get the picture.
..that I've always been a morning person before, but for this most part of this year, I no longer feel like wanting to go outta bed on most days. I've been like this before, years back when the problem with IM and Abah's new marriage had first surfaced but I managed to get back on my feet after a while and work on my MSc like there was no tomorrow.. but how come I can't seem to be able to do that now?
..that I've always believed in family ties but now.. err, lets not get to that!
..that I seem to also lose my passion in reading. Yes, I know I've bought books this year.. and a lot. But not so much compared to what I used to. And if before, I couldn't wait to finish all those written text, I now have books I've bought 5 months ago but haven't touched.. what has happened to me?!?
..that the money problems arising from the accident would never end! Okay la, I know la it would end, but I had the accident late August and now its very late December but still can't get my budget back together in one piece. I've always had problems from November and December due to the no class-no gaji policy but I usually barely make it by saving a bit each month and stretching my October pay. But after the accident which left me gaji-less for 2 months, and my October pay which I only got half than usual (coz dah abis exam and most students have stopped taking the class since we've already finished the syllabus), I've been feeling like sinking every now and then. Can't wait for the next pay which is mid-January BUT those will go to my 2-month-delayed rent, my barred phone bill, my road tax and car insurance.. aiyaaaa~~
..that I'll once again make the mistake of thinking that all teachers are good, kind-hearted, fatherly bla.. bla.. blaa.. Ok, I personally think that teachers are one of the best people around, but as you know the Malay saying about the setandan pisang mesti ade yg busuk (Hahah.. tetibe malu sbb tak ingt the actual saying =p) I'm still full with hatred whenever I see that particular teacher (as well as the Teacher From Hell I've always had problems with) and I'm always terrified whenever I see him from afar. Though he's stopped trying to call me or sms me, maybe due to the harsh sms I sent him the last time, but he still stalks my class and all that. Grrrr! But I really but I can't help feeling, did I ever do anything to make him think I was that kinda person?! I mean, I'm very sure I treat all male teachers the same way and especially yg tua² la to me are more like ayah². I really don't know =(
Gosh! Reading all those makes me feel so pathetic.. aiyooo~~
Well.. I guess, 2011 hasn't been a good year to me.. or rather, I'm not making any good outta the 365 days Allah gave me for it.
I really hope for a better 2012. That there'd be more ups than downs as opposed to what it feels like this year.. and of course, I wish all that too for my family and all my friends who've been with me through thick and thin.
So I hereby wish..
"Good riddance to you 2011. May I never see you (or rather the likes of you) ever again. As for 2012, let's have a good start and an even greater ending with great big and small moments in between, eh!"