I consider myself independent but..

..sometimes I still DO need other peoples help.

And believe me, I do not like asking for help unless I really need it, especially if I'm not feeling well at the said time. I don't even like being in the presence of people when I'm not well and not just because I don't wanna spread around the bug. Lets just say, being sick bring out the melancholy me haha.. like one time when I was having a fever, my older cousin (whom I'm close to and who is my partner-in-gaduh whenever we balik kampung) who at that moment was thinking of a way to 'carik pasal', had second thought when he saw how pale I was, thus, tak jadi nak carik pasal and asked me how I was feeling. It was this gesture of concern that made me burst into tears and sangat malu I felt at that time, crying while thinking, what the hell was wrong with me?

See, understand why I don't want to be around people when I'm sick? I'm just gonna be all emotionally sensitive tahapehape!

But it was different last Sunday. I'd been feeling a bit dizzy and my tummy felt a bit funny since the morning but it wasn't really such a big deal at the moment. But then, that night, right after I finished my Isya' prayers, my tummy was in such pain, I had to sit down. It was like the menstrual pain (only it wasn't my time of the month!) and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to the toilet or throw up or find a hot water bottle to soothe my tummy.

I was thinking of driving to the nearest clinic to seek medical attention when I suddenly felt like throwing up.. and throw up, I did! The first round left me trembling and shaking and I realized I was in no shape to drive alone and I didn't know what to do. I didn't really like asking for help, especially tengah² malam mcm tu but when I couldn't stop throwing up AND since the throwing up made me feel worse instead of better, I knew I HAD to ask for help.

Unfortunately for me, me neighbours umah no 40 weren't home.. ALL of them. One of them told me tehy were in Seberang Jaya so they were already outta the question. I didn't know what else to do. So I tried contacting a few friends while dreading how I'm intruding into their lives in the middle of the night and in between messages, I was running to the toilet every now and then.

It came to the point where I was holding on to the sink to help me stand since I really felt very weak and all that. After I'd threw up everything in my tummy, I felt a tad bit better though very tired of the ordeal and a bit empty in the stomach.

I didn't think I needed to go to the clinic anymore as I was too tired to do anything else than try to sleep and by that time, I felt a bit ashamed at myself for asking help around so I sent a message to friends I'd ask for help earlier and really apologizing for disturbing them.

One of them replied telling me it was okay but also telling me to call her if I need anything( which I told myself, tak payah ko since I just wanted to rest)but the other just kept quiet till now.

I know, I shouldn't feel hurt as it was me who wanted to ask for help. But its been bothering me all week now.. and making me feel a bit sad you know. Its as if what I did was something unforgivable and unthinkable.. and maybe it actually is? :(

I'm really, really sorry! I never meant to distrupt anyone's weekend or something but I'd never ask for help if I didn't really need it. I would've gone to the clinic myself if I could but that night I was very² sure that I wasn't in a good state to drive and THATS the only reason why I needed help. I'm sorry if what I did was wrong and insensitive to peoples resting time.

It would feel so much better if my apologies were accepted or even rejected instead of ignored.. :(