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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A trip down memory lane.. the rocky road kinda lane la tp..

A friend of mind is facing a bump in her road. The person she once loved, and I'm sure she still loves, is (supposedly) engaged to someone else. I only got to know about it last night and for a while there, I was taken back to 4 years ago (I know 4 years ago coz it was about a month before the World Cup)

I remember it was a Friday. We had just finished our colloquium and were happy with what we had achieved so all of us were neglecting our work and just relaxing around the postgraduate room for the day. Then came in Erwan with a funny look in his face and when I asked him, he waved a wedding invitation card in front of me. It was from his ex-girlfriend and boy, did I have a great time teasing him with his dilemma to go or not.

Then during the Friday prayers when the room was rid of all the male Muslims, I remembered mak cik. She'd been calling me for weeks but either I had left my phone at home or I just couldn't answer coz it hurt too much (Sorry, Mak Cik =( ) I always texted her afterwards apologizing and explaining but I never really returned her calls until that Friday noon.As usual, whenever I called her, my heart would race but little did I know that this time, it had a reason to feel so.

She picked up the phone and sounded a bit tired. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked her what she was doing before I called and she answered, "Tengah siap² untuk kenduri"

I felt my heart lurch outta my chest while my mouth silently whispering with hope it was one of his brothers' wedding. For a while, my world turned black..

The next moment, I realized mak cik was asking if I was okay. I guess by now she realized, I actually hadn't heard of the news at all prior to my call (she must've thought I was calling because of it, huh?)

and.I.couldn't.answer.

She told me she had sent me the card ia the school and was wondering if I had received it. I walked to the pigeon hole in a daze and couldn't even manage to speak. Maybe knowing that I needed any explanantion or maybe coz she been wanting to tell me all along (re: the calls she made to me before), it all came outta her mouth.

He had asked his mother to tell me about it as, I quote, he just couldn't tell me about it himself.

I.was.crushed

Was I that unimportant to him that he can't even give me a decent explanation?

I quickly pretended that my phone didn't have any power left so I promised that I'd call her someday just at the same time my eyes rested on a card addressed to me, but in a handwriting I didn't recognize. Even before opening the card, my sight had blurred and I was trying my best not to make a sound as I walked back to my cubicle with the card in my hand.

I sent a few smses around notifying a few friends about the new development. My housemate replied telling me to forget him as he'd already forgotten me, which was not something I wanted to hear yet. But my 'cousin' Toroque called me and told me, "Nangis lah, Ayu"..

..and thats what I did.

I couldn't even talk to him as I felt so hurt. The last hope I had inside of me was finally gone and I was left with this huge gaping hole of emptiness in my heart that I didn't know how to fill. I had so many questions that I knew, even then, won't ever be answered. I wanted so much for the pain to go away. I couldn't even go home as my eyes were too puffy for me to want to be sen in public so I stayed in my cube, trying to supress the sobs that were threatening to come out while just letting the tears flow.

When I finally managed to go back home, for the first time in 5 years, I had my first dose of Panadol. My head was aching as much as my heart and I just wanted to sleep (luckily Fared agreed to take over my class for the day). When I woke up hours later, my eyes were so swollen and my face felt so stiff from the tears.

The next day wasn't any better as I still had class and the tears just kept threatening to come. I'm so thankful my students somehow understood I was going through something and for once, they behaved. The same was for the next day, Sunday. I had promised Pojie, Fared and Lie to go on a movie marathon with them and though they were a bit worried, I still wanted to go. But when the lights in the cinema dimmed, I found myself crying quietly again.. I must've been such a total mess but the guys were patient with me though they pretended not to notice me crying.

On D-day itself, I tried to distract myself. I don't even remember what I did on that day coz it still hurt even then. By then, I already knew he had actually sent me a card himself to my home address (this time in handwriting I sadly recognized)

That happened 4 years ago but somehow yesterday, it felt like it happened so recently, I still felt the pain. So I guess, I could understand a bit on what my friend was going through.

I don't have any advice for her as I sometimes struggle to forget too. But I hope she'd be able to get back on her feet one day and only remember the good things that happened in that part of her life (kinda like what I feel like most of the time right now) I just hope it doesn't take her as long as it took me to finally feel this was.

To my friend, rejoice fellow hopeless romantic ☺ On day, some one would sing this song to you (the one I told you about yesterday that stopped me in my tracks after not hearing it in a long time). In time, you'll heal.. but for the mean time, all your friend are rioght here beside you, k ♥

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there
You'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you

There's no love, like your love
And no other could give more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time
All the way

You can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you, I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you
Yeah, I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do
Ohh
I do it for you

4 comments:

Tun_Teja said...

Kak Ayu, orang kata cinta pertama takkan pernah hilang dari ingatan mahupun dalam hati. Walaupun kita dah berjumpa dengan orang lain.
Hmm..dia pernah tau tak Kak Ayu sayang dia?

blackmountain said...

Somehow, that song just makes ME wanna cry too, like last night while watching Tyce's dance routine.

Love songs are totally overrated. They don't really represent the reality of love. But they give us hope and make us work for "THE ONE TRUE LOVE".

Anyway Ayu and Ayu's friend, embrace the love around you, from friends, family and even the occasional blog reader, me! heheh

Yours truly said...

kak yong, reading your entry nih buat ayeen rasa alahai...how am i going to cope with my own problems..haha

sometimes i envy with those who able to find happiness...i wonder when our time will be? huhuhuhu

wish i can meet u and talk to u kak yong..byk sgt nak citer dgn u..huhuh

u take care yer kak yong!

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Nomi: A'ah kan.. haha.. tatau la Nomi. Rasenye dia pun konpius kot sbb akak pun bkn reti nak tunjuk

kak Anis: Btul.. thats why I like hearing songs.. makes the impossible seem possible wpun sbnrnye idak le sgt kan hahah.. and thanx kak Anis! ♥ you too ☺

Ayeen: Hahah.. our sentiments (me and this friend) exactly.. meh join the hopeless romantics ☺ Email la me if you need to let go of some things in your head, k