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Thursday, July 14, 2005

My horoscope of the day

It's not easy to capture one of your kind. You want someone who's physically attractive, intellectually appealing, and brave enough to handle your warrior spirit. All that needs to happen well before the hopeful applicant can even become remotely close to being invited into your heart. If you've already found someone who's up for the challenge, you'll let them know how much they're appreciated. If you haven't, you'll spend yet another day on the prowl -- but now, you might have some luck.

I was browsing thru my Yahoo! Homepage when I came across my horoscope. Now, I don't depend on my horoscope to go through my day, I just read it for the fun of it but today's horoscope grabbed my attention. Hmmmm.. somhow, I find most of it suprisingly true, though I never realized it until today especially this part --> All that needs to happen well before the hopeful applicant can even become remotely close to being invited into your heart.

At first, I was just laughing at it. Though it DID struck a chord in me, I just shruged it off. But then, going to tuition, with nothing else to do, this horoscopse crept into my mind once again and before I knew it, I was dwelling on the issue.

Lets say, I might have ignored it if not because of the fact I got a phone call from a close friend a few weeks back. As usual, whenever I get phone calls from these 'cousins' (we used to say we were cousins so people won't misinterpret our relationship) of mine, I always complain of being single and being left alone by them, who btw are already married. While talking to him, I was playing with this kitten and me being me, I was scolding the kitten like I'd scold Izati or Iskandar.

Yokies: Hang ni cakap ngan sapa ni?
Me: Kucing ni.. sibuk panjat kete orang hehe..
Yokies: Hang ni dah tak dak orang len ke nak sembang.. ngan kucing la pulak sekarang
Me: Ye la, korang dah tinggalkan saya sorang².. semua p kahwin buang.. kesian kat saya.. tu pun nasib baik ada kucing
Yokies: Kesian sangat eh.. tu la hang
Me: Apa saya pulak.. korang la tinggal saya.. pasni budak kecik plak nak kahwin, memang tinggal sorang la saya
Yokies: Alah.. macam la aku tak tau pasai hang.. banyak citer aku dengaq.. lagipun aku kenal hang dah lama la, Bulat
Me: Ni merepek apa pulak
Yokies: Aku nak tanya hang, kenapa kan, kalu ade je orang suka kat hang, hang mesti lari?
Me: Lorrr.. ni citer dongeng mana pulak ni
Yokies: Citer dongeng apa, aku tau la, aku kenal hang lama
Me: Meghapu dah kawan saya sorang ni.. salah orang dah ni
Yokies: Aku kenai la hang.. berapa lama dah kita kawan.. weii, tak pa la, anak aku dah jaga.. Assalamualaikum

Well, well, well, I didn't expect to hear THAT from him though what he said DID hover in my mind for the next few days. I mean, it does coincide with what Liana said to me, as in my previous entry (Honest comments, anyone! I think..).

As I said, on the way to my tuition class, I was thinking of the horoscope and the question Azren asked me a few months back, loomed in front of me, "Kak Yong, dun you trust anybody?"

Well, in the entry I said above, I did admit that he was true but I didn't realize how true. I mean, even with my friends, it takes me quite a while to open up. Though funnily, thats not the case with my 'cousins' here whom I trusted on sight.. AND for the first time my instincts were right, really am glad bout that! But with others, it genarally takes much longer.

I really hate not trusting people as I want people to trust me too and I know how hurt I'd be if I know people don't trust me but sometimes I can't help it. The only good thing I see about this is that, though I have a difficult time trusting people, once I do, it'll also be a hard for me to feel otherwise.. so in this case, no one can change the way I feel about my friends, no matter how hard they try.. but thats about it. All the other parts of this feeling are just so.. ugly!

With my 'cousins', I instantly felt they would accept me as I am, all the good and bad. Believe me, I have a good reason for thinking this way. They first got to know me when I was screwing up a project I was handling, but did they judge me? No! In fact, they helped me to improvise and even after the project, they were still there. I guess that's why I totally trust them. They saw me at my worst point but, hell, it was nothing to them!

But with other people, they might have only seen me in my usual mode.. the not-doing-anything-wrong-yet mode so I get afraid to do the wrong things in front of them, just in case they'll have different views of me later.

Those people whom I trust, even a tiny bit, have all seen worse of me than the way I usually am. Sometimes, I hate myself for feeling this way. I mean, like Yun, she trusts even strangers and her instincts are usually right. I envy her ability to be like that. Nearly everyone I know are like that and I feel so terrible. It's not that I feel I'm better than anyone else, its bcoz I feel I'm worse that I'm like this. But in my experience, the people I try to put my trust in early on, would hurt me in the end so I'm just afraid.

Even in the matters of the heart. For example, my invisible best friend. I had been close to him for nearly 5 years before I realized that I had set my heart loose. Never had I imagined of feeling that way but it just happened and look what it got me into. A total heartbreak that even 2 years later, I haven't quite recovered from it. I mean, look how long it took for me to let someone into my heart, and I've been trusting him for a long time before that too! Makes me shudder to think how much longer would it take for me to find someone else :(

Recently, some friends of mine tried to matchmake me with someone I cannot stand. Junior pulak tu, in case they don't realize, I am VERY particular about age differance! I'm not mad at them, they never knew I couldn't stand him but I do feel a bit hurt. I mean, why didn't they ask me first? I know what Yokies and Toroque would say,"Alaaa, kalau kami habaq pun, macam hang mau!" but still.. I mean, give me time to learn to trust, to know, to be comfortable.. don't just push someone into my face (Oppsss.. Yokies ngan Toroque, I'm not talking about you guys hehe.. I know if it were you guys, korang takkan buat canni).

Yeah, like what my horoscope said up there, maybe for once, I admit that once in a while, what they say, does really reflect you, though I'm not comfortable with the way it described me. Though I like it or not, it really is me!

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