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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Just because I'm single.. seriously?!?! ~ Pt1

I'm not sure whether to laugh or to cry right now.. as of this exact moment, I'm kinda mad yet can't stop laughing, albeit hysterically, for recent happenings.

Yes.. I'm single! BIG NEWS.. lah sangat~~

But I don't really mind.. trust me! Not la that once in a while I don't get a bit worried. Of course la I do, I'm human, remember. This usually happens particularly when I feel like I want to share any piece of news, happy or sad, and realize that I don't have that exclusive person to share it with. I'd ponder on it for a while (or an hour or two), but that's usually the extent of it. I'm not left sleepless at night thinking of it or anything.

I owe this to a piece of information I retrieved from a book Abah bought when I was smaller. He was forever buying those books from the pasar malam which more often than not could teach you so much more than hundred ringgits of Encyclopedia (This was pre-Google, ok! Pre-widely accessible internet even!) I usually couldn't wait for Abah to finish with them (especially the ones on 'kisah teladan' since I'm such a story-book junkie) so I could have my turn. There were lots you could learn from those surprisingly cheap books and one of those things I remembered was how your rezeki and jodoh (among others) has already been predetermined since you were a 4 month old (or was it 3?) fetus.

I pondered on this thought for months and found other things from Abah's books that supported this. But still, those books also reminded readers that though it has already been predetermined, WE ourselves do not know what is in store for us. THAT is why we still have to strive and try our best in everything so that what is to be ours would be savored so much more sweetly, knowing we gave some effort in it. Allah knows best. He'd give it to you at the EXACT right time which He knows better that you do.. and better than all those people around you!

So, because of this, I'm not so worried as some people might think I am.. or what they think I should be..

..and THIS is the cause of my problem!

Some years ago, my father remarried. Of course we were shocked and all that but it didn't take me long to accept it.. or at least not as long as OTHERS thought I should. The reason? As above..

I remembered that piece of information I got from my fathers books and realized, who am I to be mad about this when Allah had 'written' it down on my fathers 'life story' even before he was born. So just like that, I made myself accept what had happened.

However, my acceptance of it was misunderstood by my mother who took it as a betrayal of me to her. And I think this was what saddened me more than Abah's marriage. They say 'Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned'. I learnt this firsthand =(

I tried to reason out, telling her about that piece of information I seemed to hold on for dear life in this situation but she was mad enough at me to make that time of my life something I'd rather forget.. Even when I tried my best to act neutrally. When that didn't work, I tried telling her that jodoh is something of an exclusive secret of Allah. I told her that it shouldn't come as a surprise if one day me or Izati find ourselves about to marry an already married man..

I know! I know.. I shouldn't have said that but I was trying the 'worst-case scenario' approach so she'd stop being so mad and try to at least accept it. I was 23(?) 24(?) for God's sake! How was I to know the right way of handling the situation. In my heart, I was praying that THAT would never happen (God forbid!) but I was also hoping that the thought would make her realize God's will isn't something you could contest and thus, help ease my mother's pain..

..OF COURSE LA IT DIDN'T!

She was so mad at me that she warned me never again to bring up that subject, nor joke about it even not to think about it or I'd be considered derhaka.

There and then I made a promise to myself that I won't hurt her that way and I hoped that wasn't in Allah's plan for me..

But I give my word, I've be cautious eversince.. and realized, I have a growing resentment for people who get involved in married people even when they know the marriage status of their 'partner'. Being single is not an excuse to get involved with a married man/woman and some people genuinely do not know the status of their 'partner' until its too late.. but two people who are married to other people yet still get involved with each other are those who are the lowest low to me!

Opsss.. dah pukul 5.43am.. Stop jap and sambung later

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