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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

At times like these..

..I just wanna scream!!

Seriously!

I'm not mad.. just.. exasperated!

Why is it that when I'm too tired to try, you make me feel so guilty.

When I just want some time out, you make it as if I hate you.

When I just want to be the person you want me to be, you make sure I know its never gonna be enough!

..and you wonder why I keep running away ='(

Just now, I wanted to try to make it right. I just wanted you to know that, though from the outside it seems like things have gone for the worse, deep inside I've never changed.

And it was going so well..

..but you just had to ruin it didn't you!

You just had to..


Well.. wait till you get the 'message' I sent you.. then all hell would break loose =(

6 comments:

blackmountain said...

huih..what's going on, dear?

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Hehe.. entry emo mlm semalam je, kak Anis.. thought I was strong enough so I took a plunge smlm.. just to be hurt in the end..

Sometimes I wonder, why is it that its the people we love the most that can inflict the most pain? I'm going to be 33 in a few more months tp still dok rase mcm budak kecik buat salah tak abih2.. its just the ol' story over and over again.. and sometimes I feel its really not fair when none of my achievements are ever enough.. while some can defy, and still be accepted ='(

Lee Zha said...

kak..selama ni hidup akak nak bahagiakan diri sendiri ke nak puaskan hati orang lain? :(

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Akak terdiam jap tgk comment Zha ni.. bkn sbb tak suke, tp soalan Zha sebijik soalan a few of my friends dulu.. tetibe rindukan diorg.. tempat akak nak bersembang n luahkan semua dlm hati akak ni =(

Tak tau la Zha.. sometimes, tujuan nak puaskan hati org lain is to see them happy. Akak dulu sampai lupekan cita² asal akak utk jadi cikgu sbbkan nak gembirakan hati beberapa org penting dlm hidup akak..

Pada akak dulu, ape salahnye berkorban ape yg kite nak sekali ni je, bkn utk org lain pun.. n maybe sbnrnye deep down inside, akak harapkan diorg akan paham yg akak dah buat ape yg diorg nak so could they please let me do something I want to do pulak. Tp harapan akak tinggal harapan camtu je la..

Bkn akak tak try nak pertahan ape akak nak, tp tiap kali akak buat camtu, akak kene chop bende² yang akak tak berape selesa.. kadang tu ditanye, nak buat ni sbb dah tak sayang lah tu.. so akak mengalah sbb akak tanak diorg ckp akak tak sayang kt diorg.. and akak buat ape diorg nak wpun hati akak sendiri tak brape nak..

Tp Allah Maha Kaya. Dia tau akak buat semua tu atas nama kasih sayang so Dia permudahkan jalan akak tika buntu.. and jugak bg peluang kat akak untuk buat bende yg akak nak sbg sampingan.. for that, akak bersyukur sgt² sbb klau Dia tak bg peluang ni kat akak, akak tatau ape bende je yg tinggal utk bg akak rase happy utk diri sendiri.

Akak just sedih kadang tu, bile tgk yg lain. Akak happy utk diorg sbb diorg buat ape yg diorg nak n diorg happy.. and in the end, org yg akak nak bg happy pun happy ngan diorg.. tp akak yg menurut je dari dulu ni tak pernah dpt merase mcm tu. Truthfully, akak jeles ngan diorg ni..sgt jeles! Nak sgt rase ape yg lain ni rase. Tp tak kisah la ape pun achievement akak, masih tak cukup. And sebabkan itu, akak larikan diri sbb tak sanggup nak tgk/dgr kecewenye diorg ngan akak.

In the end, akak pun tak happy, diorg pun tak happy..

Uhh.. tetibe mata masuk habuk ='(

Lee Zha said...

:( samalah. dilemma kan? bila kita berkorban, orang tak nampak pun walhal macam akak cakaplah kita buat sebab atas dasar sayang orang tu.

tapi dah 4 tahun zha bkorban tapi masih tak capai apa2 dalam hidup. skang ni zha da buat keputusan, nak pindah kl, nak mula hidup baru tapi tulah asyik tertangguh sebab orang tua pulak macam cakap kita ni nak lari apa.

doakan zha dapat keje kat kl ye. sebab rasanya dah sampai masa zha keluar dari kawasan ni, mana tau rezki lagi luas kat sana. :)

dan akak..jangan sedih2 jangan salahkan diri. kadang2 kita memang kena lari utk orang fikir kenapa kita buat semua tu. kita usaha macam mana pun kalau orang tak heran, memang sakitlah sebab dah bkorban banyak benda. buat je apa yg akak suka. biarlah orang tak faham asalkan akak bahagia. tu penting.

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Zha nak ke KL? Sorry, akak dah lama tak bukak blog ni, baru terpasan blum approve comments sblm ni.. so skrg dah di KL ke?

Hmm, Zha.. camtu laaahh.. akak malas tu bile di chop derhaka la ape la.. padahal Tuhan Maha Bijaksana.. Dia tau niat dlm hati kite ni cemmane so Dia tolong.. Akak learnt this the hard way. Dulu takut sgt nak membantah wpun akak tau bende yg disuruh tu akak tak mampu.. skrg akak dah faham. Dia tak prejudis. Amaran Dia hanya utk yg sengaja nak menyakitkan hati, sengaja nak menderhaka tanpa sebab..

tp kadang tu nak tahan telinga, tahan perasaan tu yg seksa tu