Just came back from the office. I wanted to go meet kak Ros and get the thesis status verification form.

Upon arriving at the office, I was greeted with a great smile from kak Ros as she congratulated me on my viva. I found myself smiling back and telling her the details of my viva hehe.. yeah! I still smile when I think of it. However..

Kak Ros suddenly asked me, why do I look so sad?

Huh?

I was SMILING remember!

I just said, I'm happy and NOT sad.. but then she commented that my smile wasn't my usual smile with my eyes smiling too and that my laughter sounded forced. I wanted to deny it at first, when I suddenly felt this lump form in my throat and my eyes starting to get all hot. Truth is, I really wanted to cry then..

Knowing kak Ros would understand, I just said that I didn't have any answer for it and that the questions were making me sad. Luckily, Dr Taksiah came towards us at that time to congratulate me too so I was saved from crying right there.

I dunno.. I just don't understand whats going through my mind right now!

Horocope of the day

The Bottom Line
Your calm demeanor is valuable. Resist the urge to get caught up in any drama.

In Detail
You will be the calm center of the storm today -- while everyone around you will be driven completely by their emotions. Luckily, you know how to stay focused and stay on task. Your cool, calm demeanor is a valuable asset today, so resist the urge to get caught up in the drama unfolding all around you. Keeping an objective viewpoint isn't always easy, but doing so is definitely necessary right now. Remind everyone that taking things personally will only frustrate them.

Waaahh! Calmnyeeeeeee la Ayu sekarang hehe.. I was going through my Friendster page and as usual, I always read the horoscope. Nope, not that I believe in them, but if you notice, most of the time, horoscopes give out safe advices. I mean, somewhat like 'universal' advices about things that happen to EVERYONE and NOT only the people under the particular sign.

Thats why I read them.

Well, I have to admit, sometimes I get carried away with them, especially when they give out specific advices for certain occasions that coincidently is happening but most of the time, I just take the advice. And btw, I DO KNOW its coincidence, I'm a Muslim la..

Sometimes, horoscopes amuse me with their content.. for instance, this one!

..calm demeanor?

..calm centre of the storm?

..you know how to stay focused and stay on the task?

Hahah.. what a laugh!! Tomorrow, at this exact hour, I'd be in the dean's room trying to defend my thesis while trying to make sure I don't pass out as I usually feel whenever I talk in front of an audience.. AND my mind is going in a hundred thousand whirlwinds in my head andI keep thinking of something else OTHER than my viva..

You call that calm and focused??!!!?

Yeah, at least I got a laugh this morning :)

Focus Ayu.. focus!!!

VS

God!!! I just dunno whats happening to me right now..

I guess Toroque was right. I had a very long conversation with him about my life currently. About things that've been bothering me and about what's been on my mind since the last time we talked.. thank God for cousins, eyh!

I also told him about my upcoming viva and my fear of it.. or so I thought. Until he told me the obvious, I'm NOT really focusing on my viva!

I tried to prove that I was until he pointed out about the things we just talked about and I just couldn't defend myself anymore. I can't believe I've got all my priorities mixed up. I mean, upon hearing my viva, I should me more worried of the viva itself than being sad about something totally different, shouldn't I? But thats what I'm doing right now.

I find myself wandering into my own mind about this thing and it makes me sad and upset.. and makes me mad at myself for letting this happen to me again. Like a few days ago, I was chatting with Helmi and suddenly I blurted out to him a small hint of this. It surprised me a bit so I just didn't explain any further when he asked me about it. I don't really wanna think about it yet, but everytime I sit in front of my pc, trying to come up with the slides for my viva, my mind keeps going back to this thingey that keeps upsetting me.. thus, I still haven't completed my slides yet (hopefully today.. I've gotta meet Dr Wan at 2.30 today!)

Its hard, I guess, when your dreamy heart wants something, yet your more rational head knows that its not right. Then you get torn between these two essential parts of your life that you wish your life had come with a manual on how handle this..

Like Toroque said, I'm not really focusing on whats truly important right now. My priorities are in a mess yet I can't help it. Though, there are sometimes I think that I truly feel that maybe, this IS my priority.

However, I know I have to help myself, as there's no one else out there who could do it better than my ownself. I felt a bit guilty when my friends say that they hate seeing me sad, that they've always known me as a sad person (when most people I know say I'm cheery haha..) and that they think its time for me to be happy (Thanks Toroque!). I also feel sad when they tell me how highly they think of me (Thanks Ami pulak!) when I don't see anything worth! But at least I've got my friends.. :)

Just pray for me eh, guys! Hope I find my way outta this (note to my cousin: And if it includes running away, I'd still do it.. cowardly as it seems!)

Viva forever hahah..

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa! *nail biting*

I went out with budak kecik yesterday, in hopes of laughing out loud catching the Flushed Away movie. Then we'd meet up with Helmi and watch The Departed. Well, that was the plan anyway.. to have a great time! But..

As we arrived at Megamall, my phone beeped indicated a received message. Since I was still talking to budak kecik, I didn't really read the message clearly until we got outta the car. It was from abg Fadzil and it said: Hang viva 21hb ni. Good luck hehe..

I instantly called abg Fadzil, half hoping it was a joke since everyone knows I'm complaining about my viva but he confirmed it.

Aiyak! I was just 'complaining' to Dr Meor yesterday about my viva which I haven't heard a word about it and today.. tadaaaaa!

So now, I'm waiting for Dr Wan to discuss about my viva... waaaaaaaaa, why do I sudddenly feel as if I'm not ready for it?

Well, I'll just keep my fingers crossed x(^-^)x