3rd Time The Charm, They Say.. They're Wrong

In my life, I've fallen in love for a grand total of 3 times..

First Love
As most know, was IM. I've talked about him so much in this blog that once upon a time ago, most people were always looking forward to my posts about him haha.. However, it was because of this that most people knew how heartbroken I was and I made a lot of people worry about me.. I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to do that. I just needed an outlet and since I seldom share these kind of things, even to close friends, this blog was my comfort. Of course since it's public, my readers then (sekarang semua dah tak rajin blogging pun kan) knew la about him and though I've never revealed who is actually is, most friends kt USM memang kenal la kot who he is.

He was my best friend then, though we only started as fellow reporters for the KMK newsletter. I didn't really like him at first. He only joined us in our second or third meeting and came chewing a wad of gum throughout the meeting. True, it was only us, the advisor wasn't present, but still la.. Add to the fact he had his earphones (ni zaman Walkman ye, puan²!) plugged on one side, lagi la made me nyampah. Another thing that used to annoy me was how he always made me feel as if I didn't know how to use the computer. Memang la masa tu not all households had a computer tapi I've been using the computer since I was 5 kotttttt.. Way earlier than him, I'm sure! Always had to stiffle the urge to roll my eyes whenever I wanted to type my article and he'd ask if I knew what to do (though awal tu mcm konpius la jugak. Back home we use Mac, kt situ pakai PC and I was a bit baffled by a few differences - but of course la, I didn't show it!)

As we ended our matriculation there, I joined this expedition to Belum and was surprised to see him there to. It was then that we started talking a bit more and a certain incident involving me mistakenly sending a personal email to the whole group of emails he had sent earlier cemented the friendship as it was the ONLY thing he could talk of for week *roll eyes* The fact that I was embarrassed made him more delighted.

When it turned out we were offered courses at the same campus, and being the first person I saw there on campus just made us closer. Though all through the orientation, I was careful to be on my best behaviour since he was surely to comment it on his next email to me.

One of my earliest memories was of him buying me a medium sized choc bar because he thought I was merajuk-ing with him. I was used to his teasing by then, actually, and didn't mind them at all. The real reason was that our communication was mostly through email and I was still a bit shy around him in person so when we went to the KM at the same time, I was avoiding him because I didn't want Yun teasing me. He thought it was something he had teased so he bought the choc bar and asked Lin to give it to me (which of course prompted Lin to ask me A LOT of questions later) but till this very day, Cadbury's Hazelnut bar (and any other choc with hazelnuts) always remind me of him.

Truth is, we were just friends then even if other friends who knew about us thought otherwise. I told him everything, even my crushes wpun I won't tell him who sbb he knew them haha.. A mistake I did during final year: told him I wanted to earn my status as an Al Mashoor student and wanted to start wearing socks that year. He, of course, encouraged me and was happy I wanted to improve myself UNTIL he saw me at the cafe with this guy. Oh my! I've forgotten about this. Might be worthy of another entry, for my-silly-youth purposes but later, maybe. I hadn't wanted anyone seeing me with this guy as it was really nothing, he just wanted to know me better and had been pestering to meet me for weeks. I finally relented, choosing a time I didn't think anyone would see me.. Big mistake haha..

Anyway, the aftermath was a leteran seropa mak nenek about meeting a guy alone right after I told him I wanted be more of a muslimah and hiding it from him (his rational: sbb tau buat salah la tu!) That was the first and last time I EVER did that anyway hehe..

But like I said, we were just friends no matter what people said. Din, a mutual friend, tried especially hard to make us admit something was going on, some of it hilarious, some of it just annoying. After we finished our studies, he'd sometimes call me and his first question would always be, "****** cemmane?" After IM got married, Din never called me again, I think.. Or penah kot skali rasenye, but it was awkward when he no longer greeted me with his usual opening..

It was only after we finished our studies that things started changing.. And I fell in love for the very first time in my life.. And got my heart broken too..

I tried telling myself that we were only friends, reminding myself every single day but during this time we grew closer. Maybe because most of our friends were no longer here so we felt more free to see each other. Maybe because his hostel was the same building as mine so it was easier to see each other, I don't really know. I became so conscious whenever I went out because sometimes he'd sms me and comment on what I was doing at that time as he spied from his room. He'd surprise me with ice creams, just because, and bought me some cough syrup once when he noticed me coming back earlier than usual and called to check on me.

I must've fallen in love with him during this time then..

I met his parents. He kinda tricked me into it, asking me to accompany him to get his PC back home. I expected a quick stop to just pick up the computer then heading back to campus so I only wore an old t-shirt and ratty jeans. I didn't expect his mother to have cooked and for us to join in. I must've hid in the toilet for too long that he had to check on me haha.. Both his parents were there, along with his gramma and two of his brothers. I suddenly lost the ability to act like a normal functioning person. Didn't help that he didn't even sit near me and was laughing at me throughout the meal. Memang nak kena tauuu!

He told me what his mother said about me and managed to make me blush despite being geram with him for leaving me alone the day before tu. He calles me his Ayu, as in Ayu **** (insert childhood nickname here which I won't reveal), to his mother and if anything, that made me feel even more.. happy.

Oh my! This brings back so many memories. At least I no longer feel like crying whenever I think of him but how I wish things were different. You know, maybe if I never had any feeling for him, we would be friends till now since right now, I really need my best friend.

Second Heartbreak
It was doomed from the start actually. Not that we were bad for each other (errr, I think). In fact, he's one of the best persons I've ever been privileged to know but we were too different. However, that didn't stop us from getting close. I put down the line earlier on by constantly reminding him I was older (I'd just recently had a very bad experience with someone younger that I never bothered to correct the misunderstanding other people had sbb masa tu sakit hati amat but I'm okay now with the said person)

He was sweet! Very² much. He's one of those people that you'd call 'menantu pilihan' because everyone liked him. And he's very shy too that I don't even remember how I got to know him except sbb we were both studying/working at the same place.

We seldom went out but whenever we did, he was the perfect gentleman. I have always preferred to be independent and all that new age stuff about feminism and such but he'd still insist in carrying my purchases and always shielding me whenever we walked pass groups of rowdy boys. I'd laugh at him but deep down inside, I was melting haha..

He'd cook for me and send it to my home then we'd spend hours talking outside. Sometimes if I sent food to him, his mum would ask us to come talk inside je sbb lama sgt dok sembang kt luar sampai termalu pun dah ye sbb sy yg perempuan so patut sy yg malu. Yes, I've met his family too. His mother is very bubbly but when I met his dad, I realized this is where he got his mild mannered, cool headed demeanor.

I know some people question our relationship especially after we'd been to a few kenduris together but I knew that nothing could (nothing should pun) come outta this so I never said anything. I still insisted on being called 'kak Ayu', though sometimes when he's in a mood, he'd switch to 'cik Ayu' and ignore it when I rolled my eyes at that.

He made me listen to Malay/Indonesian songs even when he knew I don't listen to them much. He tried to sell my car numerous times by displaying signs on my car, which I'd only discover at the end of the day when I want to go home. I tried to do it back to him, unsuccessfully, since he parks near his room. He even kidnapped me once when he had to go to the main campus to get an order of chemicals and didn't want to go there alone. There, he took me to his favorite stall for some koay teow t'ng (the chemical we came to pick up was still in the storage so we had to wait) and I made him taste this bandung jagung I've loved since I was a kid.

It ended abruptly. One day he was talking to me, the next day he wasn't. Everytime I asked why, he just kept quiet and after some time, I stopped asking. I was too hurt by then anyway..

A few months later, his friend pinged me on YM asking about me. Since I didn't have any problems with this guy, I just chatted with his as usual until he admitted, this guy was the one asking about me. I wanted to cry but I was also angry too. He was the one who ended it but then now he's asking about me. The friend asked me, don't I want to do anything about it because he said this guy was sad.

Can you see how confused I was? I don't really know what he wants. He was the one who didn't want to tell me anything and now this. I was in Dr Mae's room then so I didn't wanna create a scene even if I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I just logged off and went home.
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Well, I wanted to finish this post today but it's almost time for me to go to class so I think I'll stop for now. Maybe I'll continue later. It's the third one that I really need to talk about now.. :(

Back To 'Normal'

Sooo.. The truth is, right after I posted my previous post (just ONE day after), I was back to being a wreck.. Sheesh! So only one week of calm then.

I was hoping for it to last a bit longer or just stay that way because I'm tired of being so sad all the time. I'm glad I have my classes (I should really write about those kids of mine), the only sunlight in my rather gloomy days nowadays. Though awal tahun dulu was a bit of discomfort when some noticed I didn't look quite as happy as before (They were also the ones who noticed I was looking very happy those more than a few months back, so what do I expect). I was smiling AND laughing, mind you but..

"Jangan dijentik sarang tebuan
Sengatnya pedih bisa sembilu
Jangan diusik hilangnya senyuman
Hatinya masih retak seribu"

It was then that I realized I needed to stop feeling so sad. I see these stuetns only once a week but they DO notice things. I don't mind them teasing me when I can't keep smiling, but for them to be concerned to see me not as 'chirpy' as before, it's kinda embarrassing.. and pathetic haha..

Sp for their sake (and my own too), I need to summon back that calmness of the mind I had that week. I just don't remember what triggered that feeling though.

I wish I'd just stop feeling this way. Orang dah move on lama dah, why am I still here?

Being Apprciated (wpun I don't think I deserve it)

From my FB post:

Sgt jarang utk parents hantar budak baru skola menengah sampai ke class but I shrugged it off as mak dia nk tgk² class canne kot..

And it became a nice suprise when it turned out my new student rupanya adik a former student 😁

But it became a bit awkward (in a good way, boley?) when the mum masuk class and salam me while thanking me non-stop for teaching the abang for the past two years 😅

Masalah dia is: si abang tu mmg pandai 😅

I always wondered nape dia amik tuition but he just smiled whenever I asked and mcm a bit malu bila diorg put me in the place of among the people responsible for his straight A results pdhl I only teach ONE subject 😅 And its a subject he's very good at pulak tu 😅

I said that to his mum but she wouldn't hear any of it and kept telling me dh lama teringin jumpa cikgu Ayu which made me feel even more embarrassed sbb I really don't know what I did right with this boy, esp in the class last year with 30++ students which made me worry if I'd given each of them enough attention.

But it was enough to make this tiring day so much more brighter to know, somehow, I did something right 😊

Dan hati berbunga riang sepanjang class after the kind words of the mother and the abang wpun termalu balik masa balik to see the mother waiting for me habis class just to give me gifts (yaaa, plural!) Alamak kak, tak perlu hadiah pun 🙈 Those words were much more than enough ❤

Strange.. But me likey! ♡

It's been a strange few days for me. Not that I'm complaining, it's been the good kinda strange actually. I'm still trying to understand and pinpoint exactly where and when this change happened but I guess this is one of those things that are better left alone.. Lest you go back to the way things were before this welcomed change happened.

I remember going through more than halfway of the day (on Sunday, to be exact) before realizing my mind had not once wandered into the place it seemed to reside the past few months. It suprised me enough to make it memorable because most days it felt like those thoughts would never leave me alone. But, nah, even the mind gets tired of being stupid, I suppose.

I could say maybe it was because I was busy so tkde masa nk berfikir sgt. But Sunday? Busy? The day before, Saturday, is my busiest day of the week because of classes from morning to night and even on that day I found myself hiding from my (old) students once in a while just to avoid their questioning looks. I went to sleep unsettled, as usual, so I was really surprised at this, should I say, abrupt change the very next day.

I even had a student scrutinize me a few days ago, making me feel very uncomfortable (Tak zip seluarkah? Baju terbalik kah?) But when I asked her, she merely said there was something different about me and she loved it 

That, of course, made me smile 

I thought it would be a one day thing only, and the next day I'd be back to the state I hate myself to be in but Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday has passed and I feel fine 

I feel okay 

I feel so much better that I've been the past few months 

And I like it! 

So today I've decided to not think about why I feel better and just embrace it.. Mau pulak, it's Friday! Hari paling barakah for Muslims 

I got this and I'm gonna be okay 

So I still have sleeping issues (my kambings have mogok sbb tiap malam dok overtime je sampai diorg tak leh rest so I can't do any sheep counting anymore since they've locked themselves up in their kandang and thrown away the key) but instead of dwelling on things I can't change and I can't force, I'm actually using the time to fill up my reading journal which is a double yeay since it's one if my #2018resolutionsofMissAyu and I'm doing it instead of biar jadi angan² saja 

So in this spirit I wish to all: May you have a great day ahead. May there be a happy suprise in store for you today that would lift your spirits up to the highest heaven and may there be, today, a little more than usual, moments to cherish for a lifetime 

Love ya..