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Thursday, March 24, 2005

'Masters' Disaster


Now, why am I yelling around like I've lost my mind or something? And, owwwww, look at the face.. scowling like a moody cat who's been shut out of the house on a stormy night (cam Gebu la plak.. the differance is, Gebu tak leh scowl.. but her revenge is something I would never forget.. mopping up my room at 7.15am on a working day is not really my choice of excercise!)

Hehe.. blabbering about Gebu has made me loosen up a bit.. and look, the smile is coming back.. :)

Its now safe to ask about my 'are-you-nuts' condition earlier, though I don't think anyone wants to know why.. but I always say, writing (or typing) is the best way to release all those pent up steam in your head.. hey! It worked for me when I was in school and though now I don't really have that much time to write (except writing for journals, papers etc.. ugghhh!!), it still works during those once in a blue moon times I try to write (Haha, and once I did try to write a childrens story book.. still have the draft at home.. err, somewhere)

Anyway, the one (err.. out of two) thing that is clustering my mind nowadays is my #$%*&@ masters! Frankly speaking, I simply HATE it..

After my finals in my final year as an undergraduate student, I was feeling as light as air, picturing my self as a full fledged engineer (perasan!). I typed out my resume as carefully as I did Dr Meor's assignments (haha.. now, THATS a truly original comparison) and sent them to various companies. Then out of the blue, I was offered a job with the company I did my practical with.. Life's good! But for a short while je la.. a quick 'discussion' with my father made me realize that, well, I'm not really in control with my own life :'(

I came back to the campus after only two and a half weeks at home.. like a grumpy hermit who's been forced out of his cave. I hated it from the start but, working as a research officer, my colleagues started to change my mind. Still, it took me more than a year to register as a post-graduate student.. I guess, deep down inside, I'm as stubborn as a mule though thinking back, I feel so stupid for wasting 16 precious months.

But I'd be lying if I say I REALLY HATE THIS.. sometimes, I love what I do.. especially when we come up with a new discovery.. or when we get to solve a problem.. haha, even when the lecturers praise us for our efforts (err, now THAT reminds me of myself as a 5 year old, wanting approval from everyone..) There are moments when feel I'm gonna love all of this. Like my first conferance presentation, though I was shaky and misereable all up to the moment of my presentation, when I finished it, I truly felt that I had accomplished something (for myself la.. I'm not really the public speaking type, you know)

Its times like right now that I feel sooooooooooooooo mad at myself. I don't think I'm the research type but thats what my masters is all about. I mean, there are times when I think I understand what I'm doing, but right now, I don't think I really understood it anyway.. Its not that I don't try, I do my best but still, there are these moments when being lazy is the most wonderful thing in the world.. and whats more frightening is: I'm preferring to be lazy right now!

Sometimes, waking up in the morning to the prospect of sitting in front of a pc doing the days work is sooo unappealing. I'd rather roll around the bed, dreaming.. but responsibility IS responsibility. At least the thought of that, more often than not, jolts me out of my fantasies.. but seriously, today IS not one of the days..

I guess, I have this love-hate relationship with my masters. I love the new knowledge I gain everyday.. but I also hate it for the same reason, coz the more you gain, the more stupid you feel haha.. I wish I could love doing this, just a tad bit more..

My advice, if you don't want to do post graduate studies, don't let anyone force you to do it.. You yourself know who you are.. what your limits are.. and what you want in life.. like me, I guess I really hate this because its not something I want to do.. I might like it, heck I might even love it if it was something of my choice.. These studies really are strictly for those who WANT to do it, so think carefully before making this decision..

Well, back to the real 'Masters' world.. cheerio!!

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