I wanted to continue this yesterday, just to make sure I did it on yesterday's date but I was too tired when I got home last night. Not to mention the drama jiran is getting more ridiculous (another entry, maybe?) so I decided to go to bed.. Or at least try to! Just went tossing and turning.. and crying. God, I hate this! :(
3rd Time's The Charm.. Or Not!
The third one, the most recent one which I'm still recovering from. I don't think my heart is breaking anymore, it's past the breaking point but I really don't have the energy to put the pieces back together yet.
I had a crush on this guy during my late teens, well, who didn't at that age. This crush was mostly because I think he was cute since I was too shy to get to know him, not that there were many opportunities to, anyway. I did catch glimpses of his personality every now and then which didn't put me off the crush for a very long time. However, studies and time (and knowing he doesn't even know I exist) made me eventually stop.
Then with Friendster and Facebook, people started reconnecting. Some people who add you are people you've only interacted with once or twice but it didn't matter much to most people. I, however, was one of those fussy types who only added people I know so when he first added me (not using his name nor picture so I didn't know who it was), I almost dismissed it. My MO is to usually leave the request be and check over time to see if I really know this person so when I realized it was him, I didn't think twice since I DO know him. I was way over my crush by then and he was also attached so this was done just because I knew him.
When he was suddenly single again, I was caught in a bit of a dilemma since I knew the both of them. Usually people choose sides and since I didn't know him personally that much, it should've natural that I avoided him but by the time I knew, I was already interacting a bit frequently with him and as far as I was concerned, he never did anything wrong to me personally so I decided to not choose sides but just be on neutral ground.
Turns out we had a few interests in common and I enjoyed talking to him about it. He'd sometimes come across trinkets that he knew I'd love and buy them for me since he had access to most of these and I'd mentioned about this book I've been trying to find (with no avail) and when he found them, he bought them.
I started enjoying my conversations with him and was glad I had decided to be on neutral ground or I would've missed out on a lot of laughs and smiles.
It was Ani who brought to my attention that I was changing, in a good way to her. I always told her almost everything then, about my classes, my friends, my life in general and she told me she notices something whenever I talk about him. Her exact words were: "I think he has somehow managed to touch your heart!" I laughed but deep down inside, I panicked.
It didn't help that a few weeks earlier, exactly 2 years ago yesterday (the reason why I wanted to write this yesterday), he did something that made me wonder of the possibilities. It wasn't a grand gesture, to be honest, but it was the first of more than a few things. When I realized I was pondering on it, I quickly banished the thought and was ashamed of myself for letting my mind wander but at Ani's words, my mind went wandering again.
A few weeks later, I was wa-ing with him from morning, a first. I was a bit worried since it was a working day (my working hours are abnormal maka takpa laaaa but he had normal working hours and I was so afraid it was distrupting his work but he assured me it wasn't) I don't remember what exactly we were talking about but it must've covered a lot of topics since he sent the first msg in the morning and I was still on my phone with him after Maghrib as I was getting ready to go to class in Bagan Serai.
Why do I remember this?
Because when I arrived, still wa-ing on the phone, my student Pugaavlan had already arrived and he was staring at me. I was wondering what was wrong when he asked me, "Cikgu pakai make up ke hari ni?" I laughed and ask him back kot penah ke tengok sy pakai makeup but then he said, "Cikgu nampak lain sangat arini, nampak cantik." I blushed and shrugged it off but as his friends arrived, even they were looking at me until I got quite uncomfortable and one of them, apantah nama budak ni yg cakap pasal bidadari aritu, gave me a cheeky smile and said, "Cikguuuuu, kenapa nmpk berseri sangat hari ni? Something good happened to you? Share la with me.."
I told Ani about this and she asked me if I was, by any chance, 'talking' to him when this took place and just like that, I knew I was in trouble!
Baizurah told me I was ridiculous when I did my next few qiams asking Him so that I won't have any ridiculous feeling that would jeopardize the friendship while Ina told me to relax and don't worry too much (These are the only 3 who know about him) but I was terrified. Still, I'm pretty sure I did a decent job of covering up and dismissing it. It was not like we were talking everyday anyway..
Then I had that episode where was reduced to being half the woman I always was. I didn't tell anyone about it since at first I had thought it was a simple appendicitis but somehow he chose this time to msg me again so he became one of the few who knew. He was there throughout it all. The only one I managed to inform before entering the OT and the first one to ask about me when I finally woke up in the gynae ward. I was scared then and thought of only the worst as I waited for the surgeon to come tell me what had really happened..
Through the ups and downs (it was quite an emotional roller coaster ride seeing my dreams shattered a bit.. Not fully but chances reduced to half already. Still am not that stable emotionally but I'm getting there) he was always there. It surprised me since we weren't really that close before but during this time, I got to know him more. I might've started falling for him then, I guess, and for the first time ever, I wasn't afraid. At least not as much as I used to..
But then, he suddenly shut down and became quiet. I didn't know what I did wrong or what had happened for the sudden change but my heart did get broken a bit. I didn't want to say anything since I didn't know how he felt so I just pretended I didn't care.. Though the truth was, I thought of him everyday.
A few months later, he msg-ed me again. I was more wary this this, more cautious as I knew how I felt by then and I didn't want him to know. I also didn't want my heart to get broken again so I was very² careful but somehow, he managed to find a way back into my heart again. This time, I was determined to ignore any feelings that might surface because the only one who was gonna get hurt was me.
But this time it felt different (and it was very much different) and little by little, my defenses came down and I knew I was in trouble again but, I dunno, denial maybe but I somehow the little voice in me told me that maybe, just maybe, it'll turn out okay.
He made me happy. For the first time in so many years, I was really happy. He remembered the little things, things I just mentioned on passing but every now and then, he'd say something that made me realize he was paying attention. He did so many gestures that made me smile for days and made me wonder, am I really this lucky? I wanted to make him happy too so I was always ashamed that I couldn't do as much as he did for me but for the record, I've never really tried as much as what I tried to do for him..
..that was why it crushed me even worse when once again he shut down.
This time I asked (I agonized over asking this for weeks before finally having the nerve to ask if anything was wrong) but he just apologized with no explanation at all. I thought maybe he needed time so I'll just let it go first and ask again but I never did because I missed him too much when he was quiet and didn't want to ruin happy mood. But when it happened again and again, I got hurt again.
This time it felt worse because, well, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you!" and I was suddenly reminded of the pain from the previous year. I was not going to beg if he didn't want me around..
But still, I miss him everyday. Sometimes, something happens and I instantly get my phone because I want to share it with him but when I remember how much he had been ignoring me and how much it broke my heart, I stop.
The other day when we went to my uncle's funeral, another aunty was teasing me on why I was still single but my youngest brother told her, he didn't think so because he'd already met him (even if I never talked to my brother about who 'we' were.. I pun didn't know, how was I to talk about something I didn't know then?) and all at once they were gossiping about me. Part of me wanted to tell them, turns out it was nothing but the bigger part just wanted to run out and cry so I just pretended to not hear them at all.
Dang! I thought I'd feel better letting it out here, now I just wanna sleep and not think. I'll mend my heart later then, I guess..
🙄
😝
😂
