..not again!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Ya Allah..

Years ago, I gave you my heart for safe-keeping. I'm not very good at taking care of my heart, as You know. I knew it would be safer in Your hands than in mine as I never really knew how to prevent it from being broken.

I was glad I did. Coz the next few years, I realized my heart was in the best of hands. You took care of it, prevented it from being shattered and I learnt that though You were the one holding it, You still gave me space to fall in love every year with 100++ kids who come walking through my door.. and You made me smile everytime I thought about them (even though they sometimes get on my nerves in the worst way possible hehe..)

I remember begging You to take my heart. To keep it safe for me until I was ready to take care of it again.

I remember crying to You, telling You how much it hurt and how I wasn't sure if I could take it anymore..

..and I remember the feeling of calm that washed over me as I gave my heart to You.

Things have never been happier for me. Little and big things that used to bug me, didn't even make me flinch anymore..

But today, I was afraid..

A stirring of feelings that I haven't felt (and am sometime so glad that I don't) for so long suddenly came back to me, leaving me breathless and trembling with fear. I kept searching for that invisible line to make sure i won't overstep it..

..but I couldn't find it, and now I'm scared.

Please Ya Allah, I'm not ready to take care of my heart again. Please Ya Allah, take care of it for me still. Please Ya Allah, take away this fear in me..

Please Ya Allah.. ='(

Muhasabah diri di pagi Jumaat~

Sekadar renungan dan peringatan untuk diri sendiri..

"Di dalam hati mereka terdapat penyakit, lalu Allah menambah mereka dengan penyakit, dan mereka akan menerima azab yang pedih, kerana sebelum ini mereka selalu berbohong" ~ Surah Al Baqarah ayat 10

"Tidak ada sebarang perkataan yang dilafazkannya (atau perbuatan yang dilakukannya) melainkan ada di sisinya malaikat pengawas yang sentiasa sedia (menerima dan menulisnya)" ~ Surah Al Qaaf ayat 18

Maka..

Ya Allah jadikan lidahku lidah orang yang benar dan jangan jadikan lidahku lidah manusia pendusta. Jadikanlah aku teman bicara yang solehah dan jujur. Kuatkan imanku untuk sentiasa melatih lidahku berkata jujur atau jika tiada yang perlu diperkatakan, maka jadikan aku berupaya untuk berdiam diri.. Amiin..

Written on wood.. in other words, property vandalism.. errkk.?!?

Yesterday was the 11th day of fasting for Muslims. Though normally, during this phase of Ramadhan, most have gotten used to the dawn till dusk fasting, it wasn't the case for me. For the first time during this year's Ramadhan, I was feeling very sluggish and very tired. It didn't help that today I had 3 classes till night.

Luckily, it didn't result in me being snappy towards my students.. more likely, it made them laugh seeing me being the one who kept looking at my watch, instead of them being the ones counting the minutes.

To help with this feeling I had, I gave my students loads of questions to answer so I didn't have to do much teaching (bad teacher!). After writing it all on the board, I settled in my seat while trying to keep my eyes open.. and that's when I noticed it.

7 years ago, after receiving 'the invite', I avoided my class for the day and asked Fared to be my relief for teaching. However, I couldn't actually avoid the class on the next day as I didn't really have a concrete reason to bail out on it. After hours of crying, I decided, maybe going to my class was just the thing I needed. Something to distract me..

It DID help up to a degree but after a while, I realized my voice kept breaking during teaching that in the end, I just gave my students some exercises and avoid talking that much. I was so relieved when the first class had ended and it was then that I did something I had never done before..

..I vandalized the class property and wrote down some important words I had never (gotten the chance to) say out loud.

There was this sense of relief when I had written it down (though thankfully, there was a feeling of guilt too!) Though the tears didn't stop flowing then, the heaviness in my heart at that very moment was lifted for a while.

I must've stared at my 'handiwork' for a while before the first few students of my next class started trickling in.

The next few weeks had me pretending I hadn't written those words down and instead, it was done by some juvenile student (ye, sgt buruk perangai awak ni, Ayu!) The feeling of relief I had felt when I first wrote them turned into regret that I had never let them pass through my lips to be heard by the person it was intended for..

Lucky for me, the class was to be painted and a few months later, the desk with my graffiti was no longer in plain sight..

..not that I wanted to go search for it, anyway!

I'd almost forgot about it until I saw it yesterday. The pain I had felt when I had written those word has long gone.. ok! Tipu haha.. not really gone la kot but dulled. Still, it didn't stop my heartstrings from feeling a familiar tug..

I'm glad that its faded away though. Won't really like to be reminded that I was once reduced to a vandalis-er (Hahaha.. ade ke perkataan camtu?) Really would not do that again.. I hope!

*And yet, I spent the whole night till sahur rereading some entries I shouldn't be.. hmmm.. =(

First day at school!! Today?!?! Waaaaaa.. takuuttt!

LOOK AT THE STATE OF MY BLOG!!

Ok.. don't look! Its not like you're going public with it pun, Ayu oiiiii heheh..

I keep wanting to write (being my 2nd most favourite thing after reading.. thus, the actual reason for this blog years ago) but all ideas seem to abandon me each time I sit in front of the PC. And FB games do not help at all haha..

*******

The reason of the 'rajin'ness in somehow trying to revive my blog is because of the sleepless nights I've been having this week.. NOT because of anything bad though.

This week is the beginning of a new experience for me in teaching. An NGO (though the ones involved in this activity are mostly my 'kakaks' from Bahan) has decided to use their money to help under-privileged students for some extra classes and I'm one of the tutors for this programme. I'm kinda nervous actually..

Whatttt..?!?! Neves?!? Biar btul Ayu ni!! Hehe..

Well, in tuition is different. With the exception of my Form 1 class, my classes usually consist of a few ex-students whom I've taught the previous year. Since I already know them (and they already know me), I'm usually on a comfortable ground. I know what to expect and most importantly, THEY know what to expect (so they can warn their friends of this dear teacher's quirky temperament). In short, we both know where we stand.

But here I am facing a whole new different group, where they have never heard about me and I, of them. Its kinda scary (Ohh, c'mon.. I'm always scared in the first week of classes, even at the tuition centre). I don't know what to expect.. and I don't know what they're expecting from me.. takuuuuuutt~~

Especially since this is a social service programme, I am so afraid if I'll mess up. Not that kak Nisak (from Bahan) told me she expects anything from me. They just want teachers who would sincerely give some of their extra time to help these students.. but here I am, expecting the worst!

I was supposed to have my first class yeasterday but the school cancelled the classes for the whole week so I'll only be starting this afternoon. Doesn't really help on my nerves, though, as I'm just feeling like more of a wreck ever.

I just hope that I would be able to help them.. and that I won't go home crying haha..

Well, wish me luck! Hopefully by 6.00pm (thats when the class would end) I'll be someone looking forward to meeting this kids again next week *crossing fingers*

Some just don't get it..

There's a HUGE difference between people who NEED ME..

..and those who NEED TO CONTROL ME!!