Half a Woman? Pt 1

I have something messing up with my mind for the past few days. I managed to shush them up by immersing myself in my books but today I just don't feel like reading. I tried taking a nap only to find myself feeling more upset (why?) Then I remembered this blog.. and how I've been meaning to write about what happened to me almost 2 months ago so here goes..

Wednesday, 28 September 2016
I was fasting that day. Tak abis qada lagi and was trying to finish it that particular week. I'd had a heavy sahur that morning (my usual habit. Iftar is usually lighter, sahur mmg heavy biasanye for the past few years) so I didn't expect to be hungry. Lagipun dah few days puasa by then so perut dah biasa.

Come noon, I was playing a game on the pc when I felt slight pain in the right side of my abdomen. It felt like what we'd call as 'angin' so I ignored it at first but it kept getting more intense so I lied down for a while in hopes it'd feel better but it didn't. Then I was suddenly overcome with cold sweat (as in menitik giler) and nausea. I barely had time to get to the sink before I threw up. Not sure if I could still puasa, I decided to buka there and then since I still felt a bit nauseated. I only managed to eat a bit of kurma before I started throwing up again and by this time, I was a bit panicked.

I normally don't Google symptoms (after the scare and DRAMA I had last year) but this time I decided to Google. The results were inconclusive which worried me even more to I decided to head to the nearest clinic which, thank God, was just a 5 minute drive from here. Since it was noon, I decided to wait untul after Zohor (which was a good call since lepas tu memang takde masa dah nak solat) so I went to take my noon shower and waited for the prayer call. Dalam solat tu pun I realized something was wrong when every movement hurt. I was reduced to praying while sitting for rakaats 2 till 4.

I drove to the clinic, yang thankfully again was dekaaat sgt dgn umah, with one hand one the steering and the other on my tummy. I was almost doubled up with discomfort but I didn't have anyone else to drive me. Nasib la jalan pun tak ramai org.

I arrived early, 1.45pm camtu kot and they only open at 2pm but the nurse at the front desk took my particulars siap² and asked me to sit. By then I think I was pale enough to cause alarm since a nurse just back from her break took one look at me and ushered me into the examination room. There I threw up again as she examined me and they instantly hooked me up to an iv drip.

The initial examination came up with appendicitis even if some things didn't add up (according to the doctor). She did an ultrasound on my abdomen and said she saw something suspicious too so she added it in the report she was sending along with me to the hospital. I was rushed to Hospital Seberang Jaya by ambulance (even if I was suddenly feeling a bit better - or was that my nerves yang lagi risau terus laaa send signal I was better?)

I arrived at the hospital around 4.30pm camtu kot (which is why I thought nasiiiiibb baik solat dulu tadi) and threw up again in the examination room (after waiting for an hour utk jumpe Dr since mmg ramai orang pun) The Indian Dr (I didn't get her name) was patient as she waited for me to clean up, Dr melayu tu je mcm tak nyempat haha.. Malu kot but I couldn't help myself. Diorg pun confirmkan as appedicitis and told me I had to wait a while before admitted sbb shortage of staff. While waiting je pun 2 bottles of the iv drip diorg tukar since I was already asked to fast pre-op (wpun sebenarnya I didn't realize it pun yet. Pastu I drank this Milo another patient gave me sbb it was almost 9pm then. Padan muka! Terus muntah balik. My tummy pun tau kene puasa kot)

I hadn't planned on telling anyone memula sbb I didn't want to bother them but since I was sehelai sepinggang je from Bukit Panchor, I had to tell my family. Izati and Mama arrived at nearly 10pm, right about the time I was wheeled into the ward so the security guard bg je diorg masuk sekali. They brought some essentials and left a bit later sbb tak boleh lama la kan..

That night I couldn't really sleep but then again 2 kali the night-shift doctor came to take my blood. He told me I was scheduled for tomorrow as soon as cases yang tgh queue up dah selesai. I was feeling much better then pun sebenarnya so I didn't really mind. It was nice talking to the doctor anyway and I guess dia pun nak tahan ngantuk so banyak la cerita dia.

I'll stop now.. Nak mandi tghari jap and maybe I'll sambung nanti..

When The Past Says Hi =)

One of the ups of working at odd hours (read: tak sama ngan org lain) is that I can avoid people if I want. And since that has been the case for the past few years, am glad that my classes are only at night. This way, I can do my chores siang² hari tanpa risau terserempak ngan sesapa..

..or so I thought!

I had a late lunch and decided to do some shopping at Yawata for some groceries. Memang nak amik parcel pun so it was perfect (post office depan tu je pun)

After buying the essential, I was heading to my car when I noticed the akak kuih. I wasn't really hungry tp tatau la nape tergerak hati nak beli jugak kuih. I was busy choosing (a'ah, pilih kuih can be quite a chore :p) when I realized someone standing right beside me. Thinking I was in his way of choosing his own kuih, I stepped aside but he didn't budge. When I glanced toward him, I immediately laughed when I realized it was Bani with his signature grin.

My first thought was, "Bani!!" and my grin was just as wide as his. However, my second one was, "Alamak! Tak sempat nak sorok!"

As I was wracking my brains trying to find an excuse to balik cepat so tak yah nak sembang², he gestured towards a table saying, "Bani tunggu kak Ayu kat situ" without giving me time to think of a not-so-lame excuse. Watching him walk back to his food, I decided to just chit chat for 5 minutes then tell him I had to go err, somewhere(?).

However, my 5 minutes turned into more than 2 hours. I sat down with him around 3pm and by the time we looked at our watches, it was past 5.15pm and still we had more to talk about. Gossip la terutamanya hehe.. Banyaknyaaaaa benda yg jadi since I left ;)

I learnt about his daughter's sickness and how she's coping (siap pujuk budak lagi besar dari dia ckp, "Takpe abang, tak sakit pun.. Jgn nangis tau!") Sblm ni mmg la tau tp through FB je. I wanted to ask tp time tu dia pun tgh sibuk² so baruuuuu skrg la I got to know about it. Then I realized his eldest, Aniq, whom I used to make cupcakes for utk birthdays dia time kecik, is already attending primary school. Macam, "Whaaaattt?! Where did the years go to?!"

I also learnt yg Bani dah tuko ke Pejabat Pengarah instead of our school and that dah ade technician baru dah kt Awam. Yg gossips tu tayah la share sini walaupun bkn org baca my blog pun.. tp bahayaaaaa ngehehehe :p

I realized then how I miss all of them. This group of people yg I considered family once upon a time ago. Yg dulu I met almost everyday. Gang² bersembang, gang² program utk Water Group (ye, atas tu semua org water except me and Bani haha.. Sesat budak HiTEG sorg :p), gang² share rahsia hati sbb kene paksa ngan Yun just sbb dia boring on our journey back to campus pas abis yet another water workshop (ohhhh the horror!) and mcm² lagi lah. These were the people who shared (mostly) laughter and kadang² shared the pain too..

Sebelum balik tu, Bani pesan, "Kak Ayu lepas ni tak payah dah la sorok² lagi dari kitorg tau!" I felt a bit guilty lepas tu sbb just because of a mistake I made, I pushed away these great people in my life.

Am still not brave enough (read: malu la kot) to meet them, but I'm trying. Learning. Growing up. I don't really wanna lose these people who made me smile dulu so here to hoping I'd get over it =)

When He made me smile

The past few months have been a bit 'disturbing' for me. Not in a 'messing with my life' kinda way, more like a 'messing with my head' thingey.

It's hard sometimes trying to do the right thing and be the right kind of person when your heart wants to wander off to a no man's land. At first I just shrugged it off, convincing myself the feelings were temporary with no basis whatsoever. But somehow, its getting harder and harder to reprimand myself nowadays.

I guess I just have to admit, age is catching up with me and try as might, sometimes I'm scared to think about the future, of being alone specifically. I know, I know.. semua dah tersurat dalam luh mahfuz.. but I'm just a human being with faults.

Like last night, I was suddenly overcome with this sadness and self-pity. I was wallowing in this kinda feeling till I fell asleep. Then this morning, after Subuh, I did my usual Quran recital and one ayat I was reading caught my eyes (and heart, I must say, as I kept thinking about it even after I've turned the page) 

Now I must admit, I may have taken Arabic Language for 5 years (B. Arab Tinggi for 2 of those years plak tu) but I'm not really fluent in the language nor can I make simple conversations *ok, malu!* so I didn't really understand what I had read. But somehow, that ayat kept coming back to me so after finishing, I went online to Google the meaning. This below is the ayat I was talking about. From surah An Najm verse 45

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ

وَأَنَّهُ خَلَقَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ الذَّكَرَ وَالْأُنْثَىٰ

This one is the tafsir of it: 

And that He creates the two mates - the male and female -

I almost laughed out loud (actually, I think I did!). It was if He was assuring me not to worry.. made me smile too! :)

And suddenly things don't seem so bleak after all. Leave everything to Him as He knows best =) And I'm gals that that's the thought I'm starting my day with today!

P/S It just occurred to me: The last birthday card I ever got from IM, my 23rd, he had written the tafsir of this ayat right at the top of his card to me, no explanation, with a birthday wish below it. Two months after that, we stopped talking.. I don't think I'll ever understand WHY he put this in my card..

..and they grew up! :'(

I'd deactivated my FB for some time now and only reactivated it to help a friend who's much in need. However, something else happened just now..

One of my exstudents messaged me..

He wanted to share with me the news that he'd been offered to continue his studies.. and only Allah knows how proud I am of him right now!

But then he asked to see me. When I asked him why (I'm still avoiding people), he said he wanted to thank me in person for being his teacher 'sejak saya kecik'. I was stunned.. and I burst into tears.

I'd always been one who loved sharing with my students and I was especially proud in sharing with them stories of my students years so I shouldn't really be surprised when a few years ago, this student told me, he's taking civil engineering too.. in USM jugak! I was flattered that he'd choose my course and especially when he told me, he's gonna be my super duper Saiyan junior and I wished him all the best..

However, during that time was one of the worst events of my life. I know, I got what I wanted (or what I didn't want, depending on how you see it) and though I was happy and relieved, a big part of me can't help but feel ashamed of myself.. so I shut myself off from people, my students included.. Even this one, when I had promised to always be there for him whenever he needed help. He was proud to tell people I was his teacher but I was ashamed about it.. not about him, I was proud of him even then. I was just ashamed of myself..

He always tried to keep in touch. Whenever he was frustrated with his studies or anything, he'd come to find me. As long as it was through the phone or FB messaging, I was ok. Whenever he asked to see me, I'd decline. I dunno.. I guess I didn't want him to see me this way and only wanted him to remember me as the person who had tried to inspire him all those years ago. Not only him, I also did this to all my other students who kept in touch with me. I just couldn't face them..

I'd known about his offer as he had shared it before (I noticed it from my other FB acc which only a select few know about). I'm sure I had liked the post or commented but he still wanted to tell me in person and instantly messaged me when he noticed me back on FB with my primary acc.

All these years, I can't help but feel like I've let them down, just like I've let everybody else in my life down, but here he was, wanting to tell me if it wasn't for me, he won't be doing this.. and now I'm tearing up again..

I don't deserve this recognition. He did it all by himself, and the people who helped him through his undergraduate studies were all people who I know.. I don't have a hand in his success here, AT ALL! I hid away from them, I avoided them.. and yet..

The only thing I know now is I'm so proud of him. I told him that but I don't think he can imagine how my heart swells at the thought of him succeeding in his studies when there were times he lost his confidence and all. I can still imagine the scrawny kid he was back then in my Form 2 class and I marvel now at how much he has grown.. And I really wish he'll succeed in everything he does..

Ok, dah tak leh nampak screen.. :'(

My Student, The Smooth Talker haha..

I've been having a lousy few days. True, not ALL moments were lousy but at the back of mind was this.. thing.. that I just can't shake off.

So yesterday started a bit shaky than usual. My unsettled heart was even more restless early on in the morning and I was trying to put my mind off it by doing stuff. Then come noon, I received some news that made me more than just a little bit irritated and annoyed. It was bad enough that I decided I just HAD to sleep, in case the anger exploded.

Then after iftar of only instant oats, I rushed to my class in Bagan Serai yet still arrived late 10 minutes. It really didn't feel like my day at all and though I kept smiling in class, I was waiting for it to end.

We were doing angles yesterday and since I teach in both English and Malay, I wrote ANGLES on the whiteboard. As usual, some students mispronounced it as ANGELS and as usual, I corrected them.

Then suddenly a student (Prakash, I think) asked me, "Teacher, what is the difference between 'malaikat' and 'bidadari'?" I think it came from when I said, "Angel tu malaikat" while another boy said, "Bidadari"

Truth is, I don't really know if there are English words both of those so I was racking my brain trying to think of another word besides angel.

Sothesan helped me out a bit here. He said, "Malaikat tu yang ada magic tu kan, cikgu?" while acting as if he was holding a magic wand/staff and casting a spell haha.. I think he used the word 'magic' for the lack of a better word.

"Bidadari pulak.." while putting a finger to his mouth and thinking. Dia ni memang ade flair for the dramatics skit hehe..

This was when Jeevan cut in..

"Bidadari pulak macam cikgu!"

Amboiiiiii, ayaaaaaat! Hahah.. Nasib baik Form 4, if he was a bit (ke a lot?) more older, mau cair tak keras² kat situ jugak. Cepat² I asked them to continue their work while I tried to hide a laugh.

I'm really hoping I didn't blush, though! Malu je nanti haha..