Spoilt for choices.. or follow what my head tells me to?

Yesterday, I came to school <--skema²!

Okay.. lets start differently. During my masters, I kept hoping to finish it quickly, and be happy about it. I was anticipating the day when I'd be free of any thinking.. turns out, even when I've finished, I'm still required to think A LOT haha..

For weeks, I had my mind made up. I wanted to get outta here. Go and teach somewhere or maybe apply for the ASTS and hope to be sent someplace far away from here, at least for the moment. I know, I've been saying this alot, but I have my reasons why I don't wanna stay here anymore..

I had already updated my resume, photocopied the appropriate certificates I might need and even filled in the ASTS form (halfway through la tapi hehe..). Even prep-talked to myself to accept whatever place God puts me in.. I've also passed my address book around to my 'family' here, just in case I might just one day disappear from here!

The idea of getting away from a place so familiar is quite frightening but its what I have to do. Yes, I can stay, try get some work here (there's a job waiting anyway, though its only on contract basis), but I think (or thought) this is the best for me, at least for the time being. So these days, I find myself trying to be excited of the prospect of getting outta here.. even if once upon a time I go, I didn't really wanna do that.. :(

Then, last week, I finally (or so I thought) accepted that it was better for me to go. Staying here actually hurts haha.. I called up my friend and told her that I was finally submitting my resume to her, then called another little friend, assuring him I'm posting my resumes to all the places I had promised him, just so they won't feel worried much. Knowing they they were happy with this decision I made, also made ME happy!

Then, yesterday as I went outta the toilet, guess who I met. The greatest mentor I ever had, Dr Farhan! He was just opening the door to his room when I passed by. Well, it isn't that I was avoiding him, but I didn't actually wanna see him as he's been asking about my plans after submitting. I've always known him as a very concerned supervisor, therefore I respect him a lot. I know he means well. He volunteered to be my referee if I wanted to apply for ASTS. Also offered the job I mentioned earlier to both me and Erwan. I didn't have any absolute answers for him yet, thats why I didn't actually wanna see him..

When I saw him, I didn't have any place to run. I couldn't possibly run back into the toilet so I decided to give him a smile then rush to the post grad room. However, he had his own plans and called me hahah.. tak bley lari la jawabnye..

He asked about his copy of my thesis and I told him I'd get it for him as it was in the room. He then told me to go get it and come see him, he said he had things to discuss.

O-oh, I thought.. not another, 'what-are-you-gonna-do' question..

Turns out, he had a PhD topic for me. Didn't quite expect that as I thought he wanted to ask about my plans. He already had a grant for this research and asked me if I was interested. I tried to make an indifferent expression as I had just convinced myself that I didn't wanna stay here but I guess he pretended to not notice.. or maybe I was the bad actress?

It was an interseting topic, a topic he knew I'd like. To my surprise, he also gave me a few papers for me to read, maybe to get me warmed up to the idea of this research. I still haven't touched the papers yet, but they seem to be screaming at me, asking me to read them. He assured me that since he already had the grant, I didn't have to worry about the allowances.. and THAT is tempting!

Why?

Coz, I DO plan to pursue a PhD, but I had told myself, not yet! Still, this offer is quite good. I DON'T have to think about a topic, he's already given me one. Its even something I like to do. The scope of the research is already given to me which makes my job easier (I hope!) and I won't have to worry about finding for finances during my study (which is usually the biggest problem!)

I could reject this offer, but the next time, I might have to find my own topic like most people. Then, there'd be the question of fundings..

I could accept, but how about my resolve to get outta here? I have my reasons for wanting to get outta here ASAP too.. but my future out there is still quite hazy.. and I might land in a job I dislike! But at least, I'd gain some experience, right?

But still, I'm gonna have to pursue my PhD sooner or later.. right?

Yet, I'd might need a short rest after completing my masters.. and what better way it is than to go find anther job SOMEWHERE else?

Arrrggghhhh!!! What am I supposed to do?

One thing for sure, I'm NOT telling Abah coz I know what he'd want me to do, and I know I'm gonna have to do it. Let it be my choice this time.. and yet, I can't think!

*sigh*

JPJ and Izati

Hahah.. nope! JPJ and Izati have nothing in common. Just didn't know what title to put up there.

What I wanted to write was of two different things :)

The first thing being the lembapness of JPJ. Well, err, ok, firstly, I was the initial lembap one here haha.. My car insurance and roadtax starts on the 14th of February last year, so naturally it ends on the 13th of February this year which was yesterday (Tuesday). Usually I have always been quick to renew both, around one week before. But this year, due to my lembap wages from USAINS, I didn't get the chance to renew them earlier. Luckily, I have some friends who are willing to help me out a bit until I get my checque (malu.. malu.. but thanx Yun and Cik Wa).

Monday noon found me marching up to Takaful to renew the insurance policy. Once again I met the kakak who remembers my name when I still haven't the slightest idea of what her name is. She asked why I've never gone there anymore for my personal insurance which I answered with a sheepish smile haha.. I've missed a couple of months I think..

After paying, the person at the counter checked with JPJ if the information had already been received online. However, the person at the other end explained that there was something wrong with the server but assured us it with be solved in 10 minutes. Still, I couldn't renew my road tax yet till the afternoon since the problem still persisted.

The next morning (yesterday), after playing tennis ala Ayu-Dgon, I rushed to the post office to renew the road tax. After standing in the line for nearly half an hour, I was disappointed when the clerk told me that JPJ still hadn't updated the information, therefore I couldn't renew my road tax.

I then called Takaful, informing them of what had happened and they promised to find out about it. Turned out, their server was still ^&*%#!

*sigh*

They told me to wait while JPJ tried to resolve the problem. I waited until noon, then proceeded to call Takaful to ask about it. Once again the kakak at Takaful told me that JPJ was still in the same problem. By then, she said that a lot of people were getting annoyed at this.. Well, JPJ would fine you even if you're late for your road tax for 1 day but when the problem starts from them, they just ignore all the complaints and pretend that it was still our fault.. sheesh!

ONLY at 4.15pm did the problem be ok but by then, it was too late to go to the post office. I arrived at the post office as they were closing up.. and this is when the post office is only a stone's throw from my house. I wasted the whole day waiting for their call at home, should've gone to school and do something productive (like knocking off Dgon's name on the high score list of Dynomite!).

So this morning, once again I rushed to the post office at 8.30am to be one of the earliest in the normally long line. FINALLY I got it.. no longer afraid of the police who usually do their road blocks whenever I go home from my tuition class at Bagan Serai :D

The next thing I wanted to write was about Izati..

*will be continued* nak balik tgk Amarte Asi 3.30pm TV3 <--promote!!!

A couple of days ago, Izati smsed me telling me that my stepmother was pregnant again and she had just dreamt that Annisa would get an 'adik'. I told her, she's not the only one getting an adik as the whole lot of us would be getting one too. I thought she'd be happy for it.. but she replied with a "Tapi Ti tak ske.."

I was quite confused as Izati is very fond of Annisa, claiming she'd rather have Annisa as her 'same mother-same father' adik, rather than Iskandar haha.. In fact, if I tell her about the things I do with Annisa, she'd be quite jealous, telling me Annisa still prefers HER to me hehe..

I replied, asking her what she meant.. but she didn't answer..

The next day, I sent her another sms asking her the same question.. still she didn't answer..

Then yesterday, I sent her another one, but this time I DEMANDED an anwser.

Her reply left me in stiches. Apparantly, she didn't like a new addition to the clan as she was afraid she'd lose ALL her abangs (Hilang kakak dia tak takut plak.. cisssss!!). Hehehe.. Being the only lil' sister in the house before, we usually spoil her, especially Adi eventhough they love to fight. Ikram on the other hand always finds fault with her, but they still got along okay when talking about anime and comics they both love. Yeah, they figt coz they've got so much in common. Iwan, I dunno.. don't ask me. I'm not sure if he's fond of any of us but I guess he's ok with her. Even Iskandar and Izati who are more like cats and dogs than brother and sister are quite close.

True, eversince Annisa's arrival, everyone has been spoiling her. Starting with Iskandar who was happy to finally have an adik, then Izati and me who went to see Annisa for the first time together. And with Adi, though she was afraid of him at first, now, whenever Adi comes back, she'd ignore all of us and only want Adi as her companion. But her favourite brother right now is Ikram, where whenever she see's our van, she'd peek into it to search for Ikram FIRST, before giving her attention to us OR ignoring us completely when she decides she want Ikram.

No wonder Izati's jealous hahaha..

Even Adi told me, she had once told him, "Ti dah tak sayang kat Annisa" Hahah, for God' sake la Izati, Ti tu dah 18 laaaaa.. ade nak jeles² lagi ngan adik sendiri hehe..

When I asked her, how would she feel if I said the same thing about her? She replied, "Kak Yong tak penah ade abang ke ape ke.. ade adik je.. so ape kak Yong tau!" Cehhh.. very hampeh my sister laaa..

Anyway, I'm just crossing my fingers to see what'll happen next coz I'm damn sure, she'd be the most excited when our new sibling finally arrives :) :) :)

'Teacher kene tipu..'

I bought my paper this morning (more like at noon.. being bitten by the insomnia bug the past week has been keeping me awake at night, and sleeping after Subuh right till noon <--anak dara ape ni?). Went through the news, reading aloud to Yana who had just come home from her kampung at Kulim. Not that she asked me to anyway hahah..

At the cartoon section, my horoscope caught my attention by telling me to focus on something that makes me happy. Hmm, interesting as I've been a bit blue this weekend. Then I remembered something I had wanted to write about on Thursday..

I just had my form 1 class at Bagan Serai. I like this class as the students are either bright or posses a high level of inquiry. A mix of malay and indian student, I sometimes laugh at their antics in class.

Now, I've always encouraged my students to bring their schoolwork to class if they can't do it. This is so they could share the problem with the class while we try to solve it together. This particular day, my brightest student, Dinesh, asked me for some help with his work. Turned out his class was also learning the same chapter as we were.

Dinesh had some problems with factors. I had noticed he had 5 question, to find the factors of 48, 64, 100, 175 and 500. He had completed the first three questions but was having problems with 175 and 500. Since the other students were also calling out to me, and knowing that Dinesh actually KNEW how to find the answers, I just gave him the answers and asked him to check. I felt an unappropriate swell of pride when he commented on how he wanted to be like me, to answer straight from the head without calculating on paper or calculator so I told him, he could be like that if he wanted to.. he just had to love maths AND complete his exercises. He nodded in agreement and his bestfriend, Riisyinder gave me a smile that left me wondering if I had done something wrong..

I quickly shoved that thought away as I helped my other students with the exercise I just gave them. After that, we had a half hour of discussing the exercise. As I was ready to move on to the next topic, Nafisah called out to me, "Teacher, minggu lepas teacher ade bagi homework. Bile nak discuss?"

Opppss, nearly forgotten about that so I borrowed her book to copy the questions on the white board.

"List down all the factors for the following numbers
1. 48
2. 64
3. 100
4. 175
5. 500"

Hmm.. those number DO look familiar! As I turned around, I saw Dinesh sheepishly looking away while Riisyinder trying his best to keep 'something' from getting outta his mouth.

I looked at the board again..

"Dinesh!!!! Awak tipu saya yeeeee!!!!"

And Riisyinder gave up trying to keep it to himself. "Teacher kene tipu.. Teacher kene tipu!"

The other students were already protesting, with one girl saying to me, "Tu la Teacher, saya dah cakap jangan percaya kat dia. Mentang² la dia pandai, semua orang percaye kat dia!"

Yeahhh right.. saying that while the whole class laughed at me for being tricked into giving him the answers to MY OWN questions. Even the clerks rushed into my class, wondering what the ruckus was all about haha..

And to think that I was tricked by a form 1 student :p Hahah.. how careless can you get, Ayu?

Takpe Dinesh.. ade ubi ade batas! You wait.. one day, I'm getting back at you haha..

How blind I was..

"Liar.. Liar! Pants on fire!"

Haha.. what childish taunts could do when we were smaller, huh?

I'm sure most of us have seen the image above. Different things that can be seen when viewed differently.. or like they always say, there are two sides of every story. But most of the time, people only listen to the first version that usually determines their view of the second version which they'd probably accept half heartedly. Its how the world works..

Once, I had believed in that too.. that to be heard, maybe you should be the first to speak up! That is, until I realized how unfair it really is, especially when it happens to you (baru sedaq diri la kononnya niii..). Thats why, most of the time, I prefer to keep quiet about it.. and when I say, I didn't tell anyone about it, I really mean it..

I just got to know something.. and though I know that I should be mad, I'm still shocked at it. It started harmlessly enough. In fact, I was actually laughing about it at first when suddenly.. a slip of the tongue or fingers (depending on chatting one-on-one or online hehe..) or maybe a wrongly sent sms/email or maybe a sudden comment from the happy-go-lucky person that was followed with a dreadful silence and a hastily changed subject.. or maybe even all! It made everything click..

I had promised someone to NOT.. NEVER suspect my friends of anything. I had promised someone I'd trust them with their words. I had promised that no matter how suspiscious I feel, I'd NEVER give in to the need to accuse anyone of anything, in fact, its just the ugly side of me on wanting to blame someone so I should get rid of it. However..

Like someone once told me, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe He wanted me to know.. :'(

I had frantically wanted to believe in the little things. The small, "I didn't tell!". The hope that everyone wishes everything to be better too.. but it turned out to be lies. I didn't realize how upset I was until it finally registered in my head on how blind I was. How desperate I was to believe that there was the same goal to make everything back to normal. I should have trusted what I had first believed when it started, huh?

Its jut a bit disturbing to realize, while I had kept mum about it, the other part of the story was already circulated. I'd understand why, if only the truth had been told. I mean, sometimes, we need to talk to someone, right? But, is it so hard to tell me the truth when I asked the simple question?

Am I not trusted when I say, I didn't talk about anything? Or is it that its a wanting to display me as the big bad wolf who's so evil, you just can't stand it? And the other part of the story as Little Red Riding Hood who just couldn't do anything about it? I find it hard to believe that though.. it can't be true, right? Thats not the reason, is it?

How 'heavy' I felt when I realized all this (no that I'm not heavy now hahaha..) and still, I don't want to believe it but everything seems to be pointing that way. No wonder everyone is like that.. no wonder everything is like this.. just when I thought no one knew :'(

Betrayal of trust? Hurt? Should I feel all that, or should I just feel plain mad at everything?

Right now, I'm still in a haze of shock and disbelief full with a million 'how could you's swimming along in my head.. I learnt something though, don't say anything you don't mean, especially to other people, coz that act could make me feel so guilty and it hurts even more when I realize its not actually true.

For now, whilst I'm still in this hazy blur.. I guess I should go on like nothing has happened.. coz I'm sure, one day, the anger would come finally.. And when it comes, I wouldn't want any part of it at all. Maybe then, it'll truly be like NOTHING at all has happened :(

Ooo Lord, if I'm supposed to be mad, please let me stay long enough in anger to be stronger in my stand. So I won't feel like a fool in trying to reconstruct a broken structure that doesn't want to be fixed. So I won't be laughed at. So there won't be any, "Bodohnye Ayu.. tu pun nak percaye!" Don't make me give in to the weak 'me' I've always been. But please, don't make me stay in anger too long to even ruin other things in my life. Help me to trust people, without trusting to much. Help me to care for people, without caring too much. Help me to see more clearly and to not repeat the same mistake again. Help me to chase away the bad feelings of being sad and help me to make the others around me as well as myself, a little more happy.. Amiiinn

Whats with me?

These past few days have seen me not in the mood for anything. I dunno why, but I can't seem to find anything to make me wanna wake up early and get ready.. I'd wake up for my prayers then go back to slumberland as if there's where I really belong..

Eversince Sunday, I've been feeling this way..

Sunday morning: Woke up at 12.30pm (not exactly morning ehh..) after a night with Dgon and Helmi hehe..

Monday: Woke up at 2.30.. I had actually woken up at 8.30 with a severe headache. SMSed Dr Meor telling him I couldn't come in the morning but I'd try to come in the afternoon. Luckily he called and told me to rest.. haaa, dah dapat green light, ape lagi.. I was dead to the world until 2.30pm *gulp*

Tuesday: Woke at 12.30pm and had to force myself to go take a bath.. the whole day was a blur, just sitting on the couch doing NOTHING!

Wednesday: Didn't sleep the whole night as I having my usual insomnia and I watched 5 cds back to back. Slept only after Subuh prayers and woke up at 1.30pm.

Thursday: Had forced myself to go to sleep early, 12.30am the night before to make sure I'd wake up early. Alas, didn't things didn't work as planned. I woke up at 12.30pm

Today: Managed to force myself to not oversleep again. Had to practically drag myself to the bathroom and arrived at the school at 10.05am.. an accomplishment if you ask me haha..

Still, I'm not in the mood for anything. Not good.. not good at all :(

Remember a time, not so long ago when I always managed to come to school anyway. My days always started with an enjoyable breakfast that I always look forward too, thus helps me to wake up haha.. Then there'd be the 'ditch-the-thesis-while-layan-gem' thingey I always do when I arrive at school. There's the playing hide-and seek or peek-a-boo with my supervisor. And usually at the end of the day, there'd be the I-wish-I-was-already-finished headache I'd have haha.. through it all, I enjoyed it though, even if it meant running away at the slightest sight of my supervisor.. though I also kept dreaming of the time I'd finally be rid of this hide-and-seek thingey, as well as the slaving of the thesis writing..

Right now, I miss all those.. I thought I'd enjoy the idleness, but its no fun when there's nothing to look forward too.. even the unpleasant encounters with my supervisor once upon a time ago. Now he's confused why I don't run away from him anymore haha..

Like right now, i'm supposed to be working with Dr Razip but the equipment he ordered has yet to arrived, thus, the I'm-BORED feeling engulfing me..

*sigh*

When am I gonna get a real job? So at least I could force myself to wake up early again. Maybe I just need a new routine.. running away from my new boss aka Dr Razip is no fun when there's nothing he could ask me about..

Or maybe I'm just plain sick of this place.. huh? I've got so much negative vibes about this place nowadays, I wonder how did I EVER enjoy it..

*Ayu merepek lagi...*