Yesterday was the 11th day of fasting for Muslims. Though normally, during this phase of Ramadhan, most have gotten used to the dawn till dusk fasting, it wasn't the case for me. For the first time during this year's Ramadhan, I was feeling very sluggish and very tired. It didn't help that today I had 3 classes till night.
Luckily, it didn't result in me being snappy towards my students.. more likely, it made them laugh seeing me being the one who kept looking at my watch, instead of them being the ones counting the minutes.
To help with this feeling I had, I gave my students loads of questions to answer so I didn't have to do much teaching (bad teacher!). After writing it all on the board, I settled in my seat while trying to keep my eyes open.. and that's when I noticed it.
7 years ago, after receiving 'the invite', I avoided my class for the day and asked Fared to be my relief for teaching. However, I couldn't actually avoid the class on the next day as I didn't really have a concrete reason to bail out on it. After hours of crying, I decided, maybe going to my class was just the thing I needed. Something to distract me..
It DID help up to a degree but after a while, I realized my voice kept breaking during teaching that in the end, I just gave my students some exercises and avoid talking that much. I was so relieved when the first class had ended and it was then that I did something I had never done before..
..I vandalized the class property and wrote down some important words I had never (gotten the chance to) say out loud.
There was this sense of relief when I had written it down (though thankfully, there was a feeling of guilt too!) Though the tears didn't stop flowing then, the heaviness in my heart at that very moment was lifted for a while.
I must've stared at my 'handiwork' for a while before the first few students of my next class started trickling in.
The next few weeks had me pretending I hadn't written those words down and instead, it was done by some juvenile student (ye, sgt buruk perangai awak ni, Ayu!) The feeling of relief I had felt when I first wrote them turned into regret that I had never let them pass through my lips to be heard by the person it was intended for..
Lucky for me, the class was to be painted and a few months later, the desk with my graffiti was no longer in plain sight..
..not that I wanted to go search for it, anyway!
I'd almost forgot about it until I saw it yesterday. The pain I had felt when I had written those word has long gone.. ok! Tipu haha.. not really gone la kot but dulled. Still, it didn't stop my heartstrings from feeling a familiar tug..
I'm glad that its faded away though. Won't really like to be reminded that I was once reduced to a vandalis-er (Hahaha.. ade ke perkataan camtu?) Really would not do that again.. I hope!
*And yet, I spent the whole night till sahur rereading some entries I shouldn't be.. hmmm.. =(
